Baggage Check: When to Forgive

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Got issues? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I'm having a hard time forgiving someone for some things that the person said to me in the heat of an unpleasant situation. The person has apologized, and I'm usually a live-and-let-live type of person, but this keeps sticking with me. I have a hard time being around this person, despite this person repeatedly trying to fix it and move on. —WRONGED IN MD.

Wow — so you saw Michael Richards, too?

One possibility is that this person's haste to "fix it" is actually making it worse. Nothing ruins a good apology like a "Now that I said I'm sorry, would you please hurry up and get over it? And bring me the cold cuts while you're at it." Perhaps the apology feels less than adequate, direct or heartfelt. Or maybe there's something about this person that you just don't like, and hanging onto this transgression is the easiest way to push them away. Maybe you think there's a bigger issue underneath this screwup. Or maybe you just need more time and a nice hot bath. Try to imagine what, if anything, the person could do or say to make it better. In doing so, you might finally find out what it is that's keeping you from feeling all warm and fuzzy again.

I think my boyfriend of two years is depressed. He is paralyzed by even the smallest decisions, he can sleep for 14-hour stretches on a regular basis and his default mood is anxious and stressed out. He claims that he's been this way since he was a teenager. Is it really possible for "unhappy" to be a personality? My boyfriend says he'll consider therapy if you think it would be worthwhile.
—METRO AREA

Your boyfriend didn't know what he was getting into. To hear some people tell it, I'd recommend therapy for having a bad shoe day!

Truthfully, your boyfriend does sound like he's dipping his toes into a depressive pool, and you're wise to be concerned. Some people have bouts of major depressive episodes, some people tend toward dysthymia (which is more chronic and low-level). Still others have problems managing their stress and appear depressed when they're just anxious and fried. What's one way to see what the real issue is? You guessed it — therapy. It can help him understand how to feel better. It will also help him determine what it is that makes him willing to accept "unhappy" as a lifestyle like other people accept "I enjoy listening to Yanni." Some people don't dare hope to feel better because they are scared, for various reasons, of their life being good or even OK. Your boyfriend might not think he needs therapy, but it's admirable he's willing to give it a try.

Send your mental health and emotional wellness questions to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., at baggage@readexpress.com. This column is not a substitute for one-on-one care.

Art by Eric Reece for Express