Baggage Check: Cigarettes and Truth

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Got issues? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

There's a lot of stuff out there about quitting smoking, but I wonder what is psychologically sound. Any solid tips?
— D.C. DUDE

Yup — just keep visualizing Keith Richards and Ron Wood.

Extremely important, but often overlooked, is the need to examine the specific emotional purpose cigarettes serve for you. Before you start cutting back, think long and hard about healthier ways to reduce anxiety, "zone out," give yourself a lift, whatever smoking does for you, then practice those techniques so that you'll have a Plan B ready when the urges hit.

As you cut down on your cigarettes, keep yourself on a schedule with smoking at set (and gradually increasing) intervals, whether you crave it or not. This helps break the association of "When the going gets rough, I can't cope without a cigarette" that can doom a quitter.

Finally, support groups — including everything from online message boards and squads of cheerleading loved ones — can be invaluable in boosting your strength and morale.

My boyfriend recently told me his first marriage broke up because his wife cheated on him. I wasn't surprised, because he has a hard time trusting people. The problem is, I've cheated. I would never tell him, because I know he'd never trust me. I feel guilty, even though I don't see myself ever cheating on him.
— WONDERING WHAT TO DO

I think there's a bigger problem here than the fact that you were a cheater and he was a cheatee. To go into any relationship saying you would "never" tell someone an important truth because they would "never" trust you is like placing an antique vase in front of a bunch of toddlers: It will lead to nothing but pain.

If he has problems trusting, the eventual cure is to learn that there are people worthy of his trust. Deliberately withholding information because you don't trust him to handle it does not exactly fit that bill. Your relationship has to be given the chance to sink or swim on the basis of who the two of you really are.

He's come clean about something deeply personal, but you're not willing to reciprocate. And dare I ask if you trust yourself not to cheat again? I'm not sure that not "seeing" yourself doing it is a guarantee that you won't hurt him the same way he's been hurt before.

I beg you to come to terms with why you've made the choices you've made, what you can do to make sure the bad ones don't happen again and, finally, how you can be open about yourself before you go dragging the both of you into a world of bad "Melrose Place" reruns.

Send your mental health and emotional wellness questions to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., at baggage@readexpress.com. This column is not a substitute for one-on-one care.

Art by Eric Reece for Express