Love Bytes: Virginia Vitzthum

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HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, single people! Tonight, as you hang around by yourself while all your coupled friends scurry off to coveted reservations for a romantic dinner, you may find yourself toying with the idea of giving up and joining the world of online dating. Hey, nothing else is working, right?

Well, hold up — make sure you know what you're getting into first, advises Virginia Vitzthum, author of "I Love You, Let's Meet: Adventures in Online Dating." Contrary to what smiling couples gush about on TV ads, online dating is not the cure-all for every romantic woe.

"It's so seductive," said Vitzthum, a former sex columnist for Salon. "There's such an illusion of control. But you don't confront the obstacles of another person. You're sitting at a computer, where you're used to being in charge."

In other words, online dating is not like the rest of your Internet experience. People cannot be personalized to optimize your experience — even if everything in someone's profile seems to be catered to your idea of an ideal partner.

"You seize upon everything that you like. You're not forced to confront the things you don't like," Vitzthum said.

"I Love You, Let's Meet" is a collection of case studies examining various failures and successes of online dating, including her own trolling the Web for Mr. Right. One of her many conclusions: Online dating makes it easy to find people that, on paper, you think you should be dating, but that is far from all you need to couple up.

"You will find someone who shares your interests. For a lot of couples, that is very important," Vitzthum said. But weeding through the glut of profiles "encourages discrimination" — even on matters that may not be all that important to you. "That's what checking the boxes is."

While online dating didn't work for her, Vitzthum doesn't deny that it has worked for other happy couples. But she does caution online daters from having unreal expectations. "You will probably do best if you look in the real world and are online dating. You need that real-world balance," she said. "If it's all online, you can get very caught up in fantasy and projection and disappointment."

» EDITOR'S NOTE: Vitzthum's scheduled reading at the Borders on L St. NW has been cancelled, according to her Web site.

Photo by Lizzie Himmel