Idol Chatter: Oscars, Puppies and Ice Cream

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"American Idol" continues and Express' ever-vigilant Arion Berger was at her usual post, consuming all of this week's spectacle on Fox.

BOYS' NIGHT OUT: Congrats to Jennifer Hudson etc., says Ryan Seacrest, totally shamed that his megahit cheesefest oozes on with its poor judgment and manipulative practices, while erstwhile contestants win Academy Awards. Not that it's anyone's fault but America's, as poster Louise Callis pointed out. But Ryan's too faced to say that, either, because he knows he'll look like an ass.

The theme is Inspirations. Phil Stacey dedicates his to his unit. Dude, aren't we at war? Don't you have someplace better to be right now? (Oh, sorry, I forgot — Mission Accomplished.) He sings "Missing You" by Tina Turner. The band sounds awful and so does Phil — gargly and pissed-off, yet somehow not committed.

Paula: "I can hear you right now on the radio," which is probably true.

Jared dedicates the performance to his mom. BO-ring. Not that I wouldn't do the same thing. My mom or Arthur Rimbaud, depends on song choice. He sings "Let's Get It On" by Jack Black, a little forcefully: "COME on!" Yikes. Talk about quick and dirty. This is seduction, not the, uh, during part, which may be all kids today know of modern love. Jared ends up kinda sexy and needy and masterful by the end of it, dragging his hand down his face for the last part. It was more a performance than singing.

Ryan reminisces about "all the things we've all done to that song — whoo," and unless he is speaking specifically to Jared, he's lying.

DEDICATED TO THE ONE THAT'S FLUFFIEST: AJ Tabaldo dedicates his performance to his parents. Yeah, me too. Or Myrna Loy; this is for you, honey. Sings "Feeling Good" by the Pussycat Dolls. It's funky, but no thanks to AJ, although he hits the notes beautifully, he doesn't have the need you have to have for this song.

Paula: "You have a real real real real real real real real real good
voice." Dah-runk?

Sanjaya dedicates his performance to his adorable grandfather. Yup, I could see that. Except I wasn't very close to my grandparents, so I'd have to give this one up to Maya Plisetsakaya. OMG he's wearing a slinky burgundy shirt and stupid fedora and sings "Top Hat, White Tie and Tails" by Peter Boyle in a soft, tentative voice. He's gone. GONE.

Paula: "You sang on pitch so what you're 17 so what you have an old
soul ..." God, put a sock in it.

Back with Chris Sligh. He dedicated this song to his wife. I would totally dedicate my song to my darling husband, but it might also go out to Nelson Algren, so they're gonna have to arm-wrestle over it. Sligh's wife is unreasonably hot. What a world. He sings "Trouble" by Taylor Hicks. He sounds great and laid back, like that enormous bluesy voice just comes out of him with no effort.

Did you know that Cingular Wireless was part of the new AT&T? What? I know!

Nick Pedro. Man, I can't tell these dudes apart. He dedicates to his (also unreasonably hot) girlfriend. That's a good idea; I have a fair number of boyfriends, so this one goes out to Taylor Kitsch. He sings "Fever" by Miss Luci Arnaz. It's a nice torchy band arrangement, but Nick doesn't step up on the stool they are handing him. Stool, Nick! By the end, he's not even in the land of key.

Blake dedicates his song to his parents. Yeah, I can see this, but I'm going to hit him right back. This one goes out to my man Blake Lewis. He sings Virtual Insanity by Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix 3. I love his elastic dancing and near-jazz reading of some of the lines. He treats his beat-boxing like scat, which is perfectly appropriate. Randy says, "It's great to see you back." (What was Keane, chopped liver? Also, Randy thinks no one knows who Jamiroquoi is. Please.)

Brandon Rogers is dedicating his song to his grandmother. Yeah, maybe, but heck, Edith Wharton hasn't gotten any love, so, I'm going with her. Sings "Time After Time" by Joey McIntyre. Do any of these men have any breath support? They all sound really ragged.

Paula "felt [his] heart." Barf. Simon tries to pull the subject back to singing and of grandma. He begins to speak and —

Paula: "It's not rubbish."

Simon ignores her and insists that all this you've got to get past all this I'm feeling this contest and make it work.

So the rainbows-unicorns-cinnamon toast contingent jumps all over Simon for pointing out that this is a singing competition (which it's not, but it's even less a who-loves-grandma-most competition) and he steps out of it brilliantly, laconically admitting he loves puppies.

Chris Richardson sends his wuv to Grandma. Oh, crap; I'm out of grandma substitutes. How about Dame Edna? I'd be thrilled to have her as my grandma. Chris sings Jason Mraz's "Geek in the Pink." (Posters, please correct me if I'm wrong about this and it's actually a Drew Lachey joint or something. Thanks!) I like Mraz and his boy-band-on-Broadway thing, but Chris likes it even more, and he dances by bouncing. I rue the day someone told him he looks like JT.

Paula wonders if his grandma knows what a geek in the pink is. Chris interrupts her, fortunately, without even saying "Are you talking about my grandma and the sex, you crazy old bat?"

Sundance dedicates song to his little boy. OK, this goes out to my cats. My Heterosexual Viewing Companion just can't stay out of it. "He keeps reminding me of a villain a show introduces when it jumps the shark." Sundance sings "Mustang Sally" by Hootie & the Blowfish. I'll let Simon tell it: "It's easy to get people up on their feet for this song; you need to do better." ’Bye, Nick and Sanjaya!

ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT WE WERE GOOD LAST WEEK? Antonella has not been kicked off the show, despite the fact that, whether or not the really dirty pics (as if, people) were hers, she's still nasty and stupid. But she is wearing a very cute pseudo-Pucci/Missoni long-sleeved green print minidress. I find it too easy too forgive people for gross transitions if they make great fashion choices.

Gina dedicates her song to her boyfriend. "He's my little punk-rocker wannabe; and it's so cute." Man, I would not want to be her boyfriend. Sings the boring power ballad "How Will I Get You Alone" and I guess she'll signal me in a right red, shiny, tight-fitting dress that does your arms no favors, is how.

Simon says, "We thought we would be edgy but you're not." Wow, he is a simple man.

Alaina has fabulous hair. Dedicating the Dixie Chicks' "Not Ready to Make Nice" to her mom. It sounds good but is boring and does nothing to highlight her back story. Did she attack the president at a concert in Texas? No. Did she get knocked up by the one and only Adrian Pasdar? I think not.

Paula makes excuses for her: "It's a hard song to sing, you probably couldn't hear the pitch from where you were." That's this year's version of "You have great hair."

Oh, here it comes: "I still think you're adorable; you look beautiful." Thanks. I'll remember that when I'm standing on a snowy streetcorner selling matches.

Lakisha sends this one out to her grandma, who's going on 90. Grandma, because her sight isn't too good, wants some sexy time with Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest, for his part, could do worse. Lakisha sings "Midnight Train to Georgia" while wearing a denim mini and looks fantastic; suck it, brunettes! She sounds fantastic, too, but a lot of that is the song.

Simon does believe a big girl should wear color or have the nerve to move around onstage.

Melinda Doolittle, the sweet, humble, self-effacing background singer dedicates her performance to her vocal coach and personal stylist! How charmingly modest. Add to that, one of these people is not doing her job. Nevertheless, Melinda's rendition of "My Funny Valentine" is a showstopper, and miles beyond the capacity of any other singer this year or, arguably, ever. So, I'm not bored by her anymore. But I am sad that she's too humble and modest to think of a single friend, animal or close family member to dedicated a song to.

For some reason Paula, who is a very dark shade of orange tonight, speaks in a grim, measured voice as if she's jealous out of her mind.

With Antonella, Ryan studiously avoids the subject of acting like a big whore on camera. She wisely dedicated to her song not to "that dude with the potbelly" (really, what do you take us for?) or "the busboy at Ruby Tuesday's with the Trans Am" or "the ATO house" but her brother Vincenzo. She bows out of the competition by mooing and honking her way through Celine Dion's "Because You Love Me," so the folks at Fox won't have to publicly embarrass themselves by throwing her off the show.

Stephanie is every inch a lady in her long ivory gown, dedicating "Dangerously in Love" to, er, her mom and dad. Which is weird. She gets very shouty and emotional near the end, and the judges break out their spoons to eat it up with.

Leslie! Hunt! vows to be less spazzy, which is what she does "when [she] gigs." Her song goes out to a grandpa who has passed away. How much I love her deep, weird, ugly man's speaking voice. She sings "Feeling Good" — again! Why did we never hear this song on the show before, and now it's ubiquitous? — with the beginning almost a capella. It's kinda gritty and hot, like Turkish coffee, coming out of that pale little freak face, and now she's scatting out of her mind. The judges ream her and then speak nonsensically about ice cream. Is anyone else hungry?

Haley Scardano is making one last-ditch attempt to keep her boyfriend, who doesn't want her on the show, it's pretty clear. She sings him "Queen of the Night," which isn't going to help. Randy wants to know if she had a good time. The band had a good time. Man, he hates her.

Sabrina gets the showcase last spot, because we've forgotten about her by now. But her Grandma is the real star: Fierce hats and utterly glam. Unfortunately, Sabrina sings Gammy some shouty love song and looks like Gloria Estefan. "Don't confuse power with shouting" says Simon soberly, because he's 1) right 2) fond of her.

So the score is: Boys: 2 and a half. Girls: Fourish, four and a half. Au reservoir, Haley and Antonella.