Idol Chatter: The Death of Irony

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PLAYING NICE: A two-hour special that touts the success and continuing efforts of the "Idol Gives Back" program (and designed to force people like me not to be cynical about Fox) kicks off with Ryan in a somber black suit and tie.

The King of Karing Bono will be here to mentor the kids on singing their "inspirational" songs, a category that is basically a run-through for the finale song, which will become the first hit single from this season despite being horrible, drippy mush and involving the words dream, dreams, rise, night, fly away, wings, heart, stars, believe and meeeee.

Simon critiques the "terrible conditions" of an African village, while the mother of a household of ill-looking, painfully thin children tries to defend herself. It's both heartbreaking and heartwarming to see these kids, and to see them get help from the great Murdoch & Friends moneybags, but it is unfortunate that Simon gasps at the horrible conditions in exactly the same tone he uses to dismiss a particularly nasally Chris R. performance.

Oh, and here's Chris singing "Change the World" by Eric Clapton; it's quite good — nasally, of course, but he seems to have quite a lot of passion (in his suit jacket and … cargo pants?) and I believe him. Which is the only criterion or judging this stuff, because the concept immediately renders any criticism of the performances moot. It's an awkward position for the contestants.

Randy: "Dude, you in it to win it. Fly jacket, man, fly, fly." Yes, fly away from the cargo pants and bring back a hoodie; thanks.
Simon: "The competition starts properly tonight." He calls it "soulful and sexy."

THE WAR AT HOME: Ryan takes us to some blighted places in the States as well. Randy goes back home to Louisiana, they also go to the Appalachians, which Ryan mispronounces (it's Aapalaachuns) the Navajo nations in Arizona, Ryan's hometown of Atlanta, where there are homeless kids, and a mobile health unit for kids (with Paula, who is not dressed inappropriately).

But there is also a competition tonight. I find this very awkward, what with the tears and all. What tears? Um, I don't know. Melinda is singing Faith Hill's "There Will Come a Day." This is not a proactive inspirational song, to say the least. It counts down a lot of worldly ills, then sort of promises that everything will be cured by magic pixies. God, I hope so. Someone needs to talk sense to that Ahmadinejad guy. Melinda is gorgeous and fantastic. Man, whoever calls her Shrek should be slapped. Her face is beautiful. The judges try to keep it together, but they kind of lose it. Melinda does that to people.

GAY INTERLUDE: Ryan asks if Simon's lost a top shirt button. Simon primly tells him to stop looking at his chesticular region. Ryan snaps out of his lust and changes the topic. The world breathes a fake sigh of fake-gay relief.

Ooh, ooh — ads for "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" Jeff Foxworthy makes great beef jerky. No lie; they sent me some, and it's smokyspicychewy, like a Melinda performance in your mouth. No they're not paying me for this (but they could, hint, hint; I have four or five readers with disposable income and a taste for dried-beef product).

Blake is wearing a torn-down wool jacket with funny little badges on it and the collar popped. He is singing John Lennon's "Imagine." Yes, they let him keep in the "and no religion too" line. His voice sounds nice, and he sexes the camera very persuasively, but I find the performance boring.

Baby boomer Simon admits that you can't be showy with an immortal, fantastic (yawn) song like that, but admires Blake's sincerity. Which is his term for sexing the camera. Mine, too; rowrr.

THE MEDIUM IS ... ALL MESSED UP: Ryan goes to a feeding center in an African town. This is so hard to watch. How can I think about LaKisha's makeup while I'm crying and freaking out and scheming ways to adopt 47 hungry children? People, listen: This feeding center gives these kids three hots a day, but we need more like them in Africa. Give, give! (I can be paid for this, too, Fox; I don't find it a conflict.)

LaKisha is singing "I Believe" by the one and only Fantasia. And by "the one and only," I mean, the one the judges heard first and now that Keesh is she's dead to them, they're going to ding her for following shreikily in the footsteps of a Great Singer. (Yeah, the Great Singer lineup is Mariah-Celine-Whitney-Chaka-Fantasia now; talk about grade inflation. Not that I don't love me some Fanty.) There's nothing wrong with Keesh per se — this show has seen a lot of what Simon called "precocious little monsters" — Diana Degarmo — and LaKisha doesn't have the pagaenty detachment of that type, but she has her own version of non-connectability and emotional coolness. Simon gets disgusted with the booing audience in trying to articulate that. Ryan saves him. And her.

Phil sings a Garth Brooks song, "The Change," very well; I can't get over how nice his voice is when I don't pay attention to his boot-licking shenanigans or scary face. Simon wants him to be more country. He's regretting the fact that they allowed not one countryish person into the top 12. Where's Paul Kim when you need him, man? (Kidding. Don't e-mail me.)

Ryan introduces ConAgra's America's Second Harvest. Ooh, I've given them money. Does that make me a good person? I am sexing the camera of charity even as we speak. Simon is adorable meeting the nice vounteers. "I've never met nice people before." They feed the starving people of the United States. Yes, there are lots of starving people in the United States. How can Simon not know that? He demands that the nice people hug him because he's never been hugged by nice people before. Aw.

Jordin is singing the horrible musical number — that is, a number from a musical — "You'll Never Walk Alone," because she is 65 and can't get enough of that story about Invisible Jesus and the footprints in the sand. (My band name: Invisible Jesus and the Footprints in the Sand.) She looks devastatingly pretty in a milk-chocolate dress with lots flattering gathers, which is the best I can say about her performance, because this song is a disease. And I love me some Jordin, but girl! We have issues with your taste level.
Randy goes stark raving nutsy: "17 years old!" Watch out, you're getting a little Paula-ish.

For some reason, the judges are easing out LaKisha and easing Jordin in, because, while that was a lousy song choice sung boringly, they slaver over it like terriers with a dried pig's ear.

Hey, where was Bono?

Up next: I cry a lot. Shut up.

UNCLE! OK, I concede. After an hour of adorable children in need and pampered celebrities either making sad faces, fools of themselves or a whole lot of noise, after Kelleeeee Clarkson and Annie Lennox(!!) and Madonna and Elvis Presley (don't ask) and Josh Groban and Ellen DeGeneres and Helen Mirren and Jeff Beck and finally, finally, Bono, no one is eliminated, and I am off the case. Is this really what it takes to get the American great unwashed's attention to the plights of the poor in the U.S. and around the world? Promise them an axing? Now, that's cynical.

So two things: 1) "Guest mentor" Bono checks in to coldly watch the kids singing. He pushes his charity and wears his stupid sunglasses. He tells a fantastic story about an African father begging him to take his child home and give him a better life. "I didn't take him," he says with a straight face. Michael Scott pause. " But I did save his life. In another way." Comedy gold.

SENTENTIOUS LECTURE: Look, Fox, Idol, Murdoch, whatever. It's the obligation of those who have anything to give at least a little to those who do not. It's 25, 50, 100 bucks you won't even miss, but it means the world to these organizations. There's a time to be cynical about everything this show pretends to be — that's most of the time — and a time to not be cynical even if it's still pretending. So dig deep and cough up for the sake of people who need so much. All right, enough. Ryan's gay, tee-hee.

Next week: Two eliminations.