Baggage Check: When Passions Cool

| Print Post This | Like (0) | Comments (0)

Got issues? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I'm 32 and in a five-year relationship. We've lived together for four years, and I've gradually seen my libido dwindle to nothing. He was patient at first, but the past year or so has been very tense. I know it's not healthy to never want sex, and I am attracted to him. But at the same time, I feel like this can never change. — STRUGGLING IN VA.

At the risk of being too specific, loss of libido can have everything to do with something physical, everything to do with something psychological and everything in between. The first thing I would recommend is a thorough — really thorough, it won’t be fun — physical. Medically, libido can be entangled with thyroid function, hormone levels and medications; psychologically, it’s linked to depression, anxiety, past turmoil and negative body image. Did you notice I said thorough?

If nothing specific is uncovered, talking to a counselor or therapist would be an excellent step. For the two of you, the key is to keep communicating, even when it’s more awkward than hugging your boss. That can keep the emotional intimacy going while the physical intimacy is on hiatus. Better yet, it will help him understand why there is a hiatus and how he can support you in bringing it to an end.

What would you say to someone who’s intimidated by everyone? I’m in a decent job, but I still feel like the girl in the junior high lunchroom. I overthink everything to the point that I’m so nervous, it’s no wonder people don’t get to know me. I did grow close to my college roommates, but it took a lot of patience on their part. I feel like I can barely talk to the grocery cashier without feeling stupid. — NO NAME

Trust me, I’ve had some awkward moments with cashiers as well. In fact, at this very moment, one of them is still bemoaning my Awful Receipt Pun of 2004.
But the good news is, practice makes perfect. Confident thoughts and behavior create a self-perpetuating cycle, so pushing yourself to interact with people will gradually desensitize you to the not-so-perfect interactions.

The extent of your self-doubt, however (your friends must have "patience" to like you?), makes me feel you could also benefit from therapy. No, nothing's wrong with you — but that's what you need help to see. There are several very simple, short-term, cognitive-behavioral techniques that could help you banish the negative self-talk and make social inroads on a steady, progressive basis. Many people have an easier time getting the social ball rolling if they have someone checking their "homework" each week.

Send your mental health and emotional wellness questions to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., at baggage@readexpress.com. This column is not a substitute for one-on-one care.

Art by Eric Reece