Baggage Check: Will the Kids Stay in the Picture?

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Got issues? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

When my husband and I married three years ago, we both agreed that kids would enter the picture someday. A year ago, I changed careers and am working harder than ever, but loving it. My husband is ready for kids, and I can't imagine a worse time. I want to give my everything to my career right now, and I simply do not believe there's a place for a baby. He accuses me of tricking him, and says I never wanted kids at all. Truthfully, I'm not sure if I do, but I'm willing to have them, someday. Help! — VA.

I ought to don a powdered wig and wooden teeth, because I'm suddenly in the mood to talk about inalienable rights and self-evident truths: a) that kids and career growth are not mutually exclusive; b) that you deserve to be honest about changing feelings without being accused of lying about them; c) that you must admit the difference between "it's not the right time" and changing your mind; and d) that the Mommy doesn't automatically have to be the one to sustain the bigger bump in the career road (see a., then rinse and repeat.)

This isn't something that will be easily solved by compromise — half a kid would be really hard to diaper — but it is something that must be painstakingly worked through with honesty. That means your husband can't accuse you of trickery, but you can't hide behind "Not now" when what you might really mean is "Not ever." That, ultimately, will be what you both have to come to terms with, along with whether it's a dealbreaker in your relationship.

Of course, the jackpot here-and-now solution is for you to agree to a time frame in which to decide. That gives you the opportunity to follow your current path, unstifled, for a while longer, but it gives him the definitiveness of a time and date for an answer. In the meantime, if you need a boost to help communicate heart-to-heart rather than bullhorn-to-brick wall, there are some great couples counselors out there.

Could a psychologist help with headaches? — TIRED OF THEM

That depends. Do you mean with reducing them or creating them?
When pain or physical disorders have psychological components, as is the case for several types of headaches, certain therapies can really help. Relaxation training, stress- management techniques and biofeedback (where you learn to control some of your "involuntary" physiological responses) are all beneficial. In fact, merely increasing someone's sense of control can help alleviate pain. And garden-variety psychotherapy can reduce anxiety and depression, which leads to a healthier lifestyle, better coping skills and the ability to avoid self-sabotaging and self-destructive behaviors. All of that sounds much better than Tylenol, no?

Send your mental health and emotional wellness questions to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., at baggage@readexpress.com. This column is not a substitute for one-on-one care.

Art by Eric Reece for Express