Baggage Check: Should I Phase Out a Friendship?

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Got issues? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

Is there a way to break up with a friend? I feel strongly that our lives have gone in different directions, and I don't approve of some decisions she's made (sleeping with a friend's boyfriend, lying on her resume). Should I bring these things up so she'll know she can't treat people like this? Or should I just ignore her?
— WANT TO BE AN EX-FRIEND

I'M HAVING BAD SAT flashbacks, because I'm stricken with a sudden taste for "None of the above."

Bringing on the sudden silent treatment is no way to let a friendship fade; it will only bring questions, doubts and confusion. It also seems uncouth to stage a "you have no morals" ambush, notably if you've been silently passing judgment without letting her know where you stood before. When friends disagree with each other — especially enough to end the relationship — they should make their feelings known in the moment, or at least before the current "American Idol" season is over, rather than secretly keeping score.

You could try pulling back a bit: a late or unreturned call here, a vaguer-than-usual e-mail there. Perhaps her own new direction (which sounds fresh out of "Melrose Place") will let this friendship die a natural and angst-free death. Most likely, however, she'll call you on your increasing absence. Schoolmarm lectures aside, tell her you find it hard to relate to her and her recent choices.

I'm worried that my 27-year-old daughter is in an abusive relationship. She is a beautiful, intelligent young lady who used to have a lot going for her. In the year she's been living with her boyfriend, she's become subdued, withdrawn and unmotivated. I have no evidence that he's physically abusive, but I don't know for sure that he's not.
— D.C. MOM

It is good that you are concerned, not absolutely because her boyfriend is a menace, but because her mental health is most definitely suffering.

What you describe could be symptomatic of an emotionally abusive relationship. Depression is also a real possibility, whether her boyfriend is at fault or not. So it becomes most important to talk about your concern that she isn't herself. Don't bring up the boyfriend right away — that might make her defensive. See if you can get some time with her when he's not around to let her know you love her but you're worried — and continue to check in.

Keeping a loving connection could be what gives her the strength to get help. If for one second you do feel concerned that she's in danger, call 1-800-799-SAFE (ndvh.org) for help.

Send your mental health and emotional wellness questions to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., at baggage@readexpress.com. This column is not a substitute for one-on-one care.

Art by Eric Reece for Express