Styles: Partying With the Picky

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A VEGETARIAN, A RABBI and a steak-loving lobbyist were all sitting at a table. Nah, that's not the set-up for some un-PC joke, but the start of many modern dinner parties.

If you're planning a fete involving food, chances are someone's coming over who's choosy, whether due to ethical reasons ("eating spinach is wrong!"), religious beliefs or just mere pickiness. But entertaining friends with food issues shouldn't be stressful or difficult.

"Instead of making a big deal or questioning the way someone eats, just talk openly about it," says Brys Stephens, 34, a Georgetowner whose Web site Cookthink.com serves up versatile recipes for everything from pork loin to celery-heart salad.

Like Stephens, many foodies enforce an ask-before-you-fry policy when throwing a shindig. "I find out as much as I can about the people I'm cooking for beforehand," says Peter Berley, a New York City chef and author of "The Flexitarian Table" ($30, Houghton Mifflin).

His philosophy for satisfying varied appetites? Fix vegan (animal and dairy-product free) or vegetarian sides, then give people the option of embellishing with meat or a vegetarian protein prepared in the same way — say cod and tofu, both battered and deep-fried (in separate pans, natch). "It looks the same, and it's not much extra work," says Berley, who's opening a restaurant based on this flex approach, Broadway East, on the Lower East Side next month. "You could also do a vegetarian meal meat-eaters would enjoy, like a rich risotto."

While asking your fruitarian ex-roommate (just seeds and fruit, please!) to bring a dish to share is OK, a DIY buffet with ingredients for finicky flocks seems more hospitable. Use a panini press to smoosh and toast sandwiches with or without cheese and meat. Or "try a burrito bar," says Stephens. "Do beans simmered with cumin, chicken or steak, raw veggies, grated cheese and big tortillas."

Ethnic food, particularly from places with lots of vegetarians (India, Ethiopia), often means both herbivores and meatheads get potluck lucky. "Greece and Turkey have many fish and vegetarian dishes. Do spanakopita [spinach pie], then round it out with lamb lollipops," says Zaytinya chef Mike Isabella.

Gifted cooks may be able to churn out foreign cuisine like chefs at the United Nations, but it's fine to rely on take-out for some or all of the dishes. Mr. Chen's (2604 Connecticut Ave. NW; 202-797-0668) has veggie spring rolls and beef satays; Lebanese Butcher & Market (109 E. Annandale Rd.; 703-241-2012.) sells hummus and sausages.

Small plates also make a swell spread for a large range of chow hounds. A tapas party could feature poquito Spanish dishes, including crowd-pleasing, middle-of-the-fork things like chickpea-spinach stew as well as try-me-if-you-dare bits like grilled octopus legs. "It's boring to just serve aps and entrees," says Isabella. "It can be unsatisfying."

The least satisfied? A guest who winds up at an event where there's nothing he or she can eat. Think a vegetarian at a barbecue or a gal who finds veal vile served a plate of baby-cow piccata.

"As a guest, it's your responsibility to try to feel comfortable and not embarrass your host," says Bethesda manners guru Carole Margaret Randolph, who teaches etiquette classes. "People have to pretend sometimes." She advises escaping objectionable vittles at a sit-down meal by pushing them around on your plate like a picky kid would.

At cocktail soirees and buffets, it's easier to simply nibble what you like. "I'm a vegan, and normally I don't have problems," says Dupont Circle's Susan Prolman, 42. "You can just have a drink — they're mostly vegan." When she holds her annual High Heels Race party next month, she'll lay out a spread of vegan treats like guacamole, empanadas and olives for pals meat-loving and not. "I like exposing people to the fact that these are usually foods they enjoy anyhow," she says.

Whether you're the host or the guest, remember that parties are more about personal ties than being fussy about food. "You shouldn't be tyrannical," says Berley. "Eating together fosters bonds between people and celebrates life."

Photos by Quentin Bacon from "The Flexitarian Table"