Baggage Check: Protesting a Bad Work Review

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Got issues? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I was given very negative feedback in my latest evaluation at work, and I'm having a hard time getting over it. I do not think I was fairly treated, or that all the facts were taken into consideration. Now I find myself less motivated than ever and totally angry. — TICKED OFF IN D.C.

This isn't a botched second half with the Packers; you're not supposed to just swallow hard and "get over it." A performance evaluation, despite the absolute beauty of such phrases as "skills set" and "growth edge," is not a poetry reading — audience participation is essential.

Though your tongue might feel tied in the meeting itself, there should be an opportunity for you to state your case. The street might not be completely two-way, but it's not supposed to be blocked off with orange cones and concrete barriers. You need to tell your manager that you feel some issues need further exploration (two can play the buzzword game) and that you'd like to set up a meeting. Then and there, while trying hard not to be defensive, you can outline the parts of your review that came as a disappointment and why you were expecting to be evaluated differently.

If the meeting goes nowhere and the standoff seems to involve shadiness or a personality conflict, and your office has an HR department, you might look there for further guidance. Talking to a trusted co-worker might also help you see whether there's something you're missing.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years now and living together for about eight months. Things have really slacked off in the romantic area. We seem to be on different cycles, and we never meet in the middle. I feel like any other issues that come up are amplified by both of our frustrations. Do you have any suggestions on syncing up? — TWO WORLDS APART

That depends on what different cycles means. Morning versus night? Thrice weekly versus thrice monthly? Bread and butter versus baba ghanoush with hot peppers?

Sexual issues (I assume "romantic area" doesn't mean sunsets and Kenny G) can be tricky, in part because they are frequently both the cause and the symptom of underlying emotional issues in a relationship. It's the reason you don't see many pure sex therapists anymore (with the exception of that groovy older lady on late-night Lifetime); it's often impossible to separate sex from intimacy, passion, trust and comfort.

Make no mistake: Rare is the couple who doesn't experience at least a slight drop-off in frequency when transitioning from date clothes to sweatpants — never underestimate the power of novelty. But don't confuse a natural, comfortable evolution with a strained, uncomfortable stagnation (cue the relationship speech again).

It's hard to talk about sexual issues, but in the first year of living together, it can be make-or-break for the relationship when things feel off. Start by writing down your feelings about your sexual relationship and giving them to each other to read, if that's less intimidating. You might progress into each of you coming up with one small way your partner can move closer to your side of the metaphorical bed. If you can find a way to be honest, open and respectful of each other's needs (or lack thereof), then meeting in the middle will be a simple compromise rather than an inconceivable pipe dream.

Art by Eric Reece for Express