Baggage Check: BlackBerry Boyfriend

| Print Post This | Like (0) | Comments (1)

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

MY BOYFRIEND IS ON his cell phone or computer all the time. He says it's for work, but, of course, it turns into checking sports scores and playing games. I feel like he's not really there when he's there. It seems to go beyond the computer, too. He's always looking to see who else came into the restaurant, or messing with his phone under the table. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he gets defensive. I don't know how to handle this.
— DISGRUNTLED IN THE DISTRICT

Like someone with flimsy tongs and a smorgasbord of raw meat, first you have to figure out what it is you actually want to handle.

If you're hoping to get him to do a big turnaround, then, in the words of the Magic 8 Ball, "Outlook not so good." Not because people can't change, but because your guy doesn't seem to want to. If you're hoping to figure out how to adjust to his not budging, that also seems like an uphill battle. I'd have a hard time telling someone to get used to feeling neglected and ignored.

If this is his style — hard-driving, competitive, more of a BlackBerry than champagne-and-strawberries man — you'll probably see bigger incompatibilities down the road. If this is a temporary fixation or an alterable habit, though, it might have a better prognosis. The catch? He still has to want to change. Assess how big a part of him this behavior really is. Then you decide what you're willing to accept, he decides how close he's willing to come, and you drill it all together (hardware sold separately) and see whether the new relationship structure bears the weight of you both.

I HAVE RECENTLY BEEN accused of "stalking" a guy I went out on a few dates with, just because I happened to email him a few more times than he emailed me. Okay, so I did not get the message as quick as I should have. It was through mutual friends that I have found out that he has basically been making a big joke of it and calling me "psycho." I am pretty humiliated. Is this the standard these days? Someone doesn't immediately pick up that they are being rudely brushed off, and all of a sudden THEY are the problem? I am wondering how to deal with this, and whether or not I should confront this guy.
— FRUSTRATED IN VA

Well, you had me until the whole "confront this guy" part. Then I heard the sound of my own screaming.

I agree with you that people misuse the words "stalk" and "psycho" almost as often as the wretchedly clichéd "train wreck." And no doubt, the guy you went out with is not going to win any awards for chivalry. It's for exactly that reason, though, that you need not give him what he'll think of as more justification to be judgmental about you.

A "confrontation" only brings to mind bad Jerry Springer episodes (were there any other kind?) and I'm doubtful that it will accomplish anything: instead of changing his mind and deciding that he misjudged you, he'll probably become even more smug. Best to have the final word by not having words at all.

E-mail your mental health and emotional wellness questions to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., at baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here. This column is not a substitute for one-on-one care.

Art by Eric Reece for Express