Baggage Check: Dealer? Then No Deal

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GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I suspect that my boyfriend may be dealing drugs. He's not at all the type you'd expect. We've been together 11 months; he treats me wonderfully and has a good job. But certain things have become hard to ignore. He gets very brief phone calls, after which he usually has to go out for a while. He has some bags he always locks up or takes with him. Some weeks, out of nowhere, he seems to have lots of extra money, and some of his "friends of friends" seem shady. But I'm scared I'll offend him if I bring this up. — CONCERNED

Here's a simple test: Are any of his buddies named Pete Doherty?

Seriously, I imagine this is very stressful. It's disturbing enough to wonder whether a mate holds secrets (like being a fan of Mr. Mister) but when the secrets involve criminal activity, the distress is magnified.

Your suspicions won't go away on their own, so it's time to bite the bullet and have the conversation. Don't accuse or make it seem as if you've been keeping a secret tally. Simply tell him that some of his behavior has you worried and you don't know what to think. If you can do this in an open, caring and patient manner, it's much more likely for him to come clean, whether it's about your suspicions being correct or about whatever other explanation there might be for his darting around like a secret agent.

Once you've talked, if something still feels uneasy, then a different question gets raised: whether you can stay with someone who, no matter whose fault it is, you don't feel you can trust.

A now-former friend of mine recently told me she was committing adultery. I told her I did not support her choice and that we could continue to talk about other topics, but not her new "relationship." She said if I were her friend I should support her decision. When I wasn't willing, she walked away. The last time I checked, being a friend meant respecting your friends' decisions, but not checking your standards at the door. Right? — JUST DOUBLE-CHECKING

Wow — can you imagine if your friend was into bank heists?

Your definition of what friendship means sounds a-OK to me, and not just because I'm feeling good after several hunks of turtle fudge. You can make it even simpler: Being a friend means wanting the best for someone. Last time I checked, the best does not involve acting like you belong on "General Hospital." Committing adultery is not good for anyone's well-being, so, arguably, you are being a better friend by making it clear you can't support her going down that path. And the part about not compromising your personal standards to condone something you don't believe in? Right on to that as well.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Eric Reece for Express