Baggage Check: It's Time to Stop Stalking

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GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I have always had issues of trust, and I'll admit that I've spied on past boyfriends, gone into their cellphones and all that. I wouldn't say exactly I'm ashamed of what I've done, but I know it's not healthy for a relationship, and I do want to change. I'm with someone new who seems great. Like most men, though, he will not open up very easily about certain aspects of his past relationships, and I find myself wanting to snoop again. I worry about him still seeing an ex, etc. I don't want to taint this relationship, but he's not forthcoming either. — CONCERNED

Put away the wiretap and have a seat.

I'm not telling you to feel all-out hellish about your snooping — unlike Simon Cowell, I don't get off on shaming — but I do wish I could make you realize that your trust issues will not go away just by having the willpower not to snoop. It's the doubting and the subsequent impulses themselves — not just whether you actually scroll through his cellphone — that are going to poison this relationship. And those can be helped only with some serious examination about where they come from, along with a reality check of whether you're expecting your guy to reveal too much too soon. Demanding a man on your third date, for instance, tell you the 50 ways he's left his lovers is generally not a brilliant idea, and his not complying doesn't make him (or his comrades in gender) "not forthcoming." You'll feel much better and pave the way for much healthier relationships if you can do some honest work on where those trust issues come from.

How would you deal with an 18-year-old who has been silent for years? He doesn't speak with his parents, teachers, school counselor or friends. He's very intelligent, shy and, while not in school now, did very well in his AP courses by studying on his own. No bad habits, drugs, smoking or crimes. He's housebound 24/7. He doesn't express his feelings or concerns to anybody; he shreds his old pictures, is emotionally numb, withdrawn and uncooperative. He appears to lack self-respect and does not respond when asked to see a therapist or physician. What course, legal or otherwise, should a caretaker pursue in this situation?
— NO NAME PLEASE

Several possibilities come to mind, from severe panic disorder to depression to Asperger's syndrome to a syndrome that is skyrocketing in Japanese culture called hikikomori, in which young men simply "drop out" of societies because of the intense pressures to succeed they feel they are facing. I'm unclear how he's spending his time, but if he's online at all hours, it appears that could also be part of the issue. Regardless of the problem's roots, action must be taken. For the caretaker, I would highly recommend counseling, a support that could encompass emotional and logistical factors and help you develop a plan. The longer his behavior paralyzes the family, the more it will corrode the emotional health of his loved ones and the more difficult it will be to get through to him. It might eventually take some stronger interventions to get him help — perhaps even flexing legal muscle or busting out the cliche of "tough love" — but nothing should be tried without having your own support system in place, as that will at least provide the foundation of strength and guidance to help you move forward.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Eric Reece for Express