Baggage Check: Drained of Passion, Desire

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GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I'm 30 years old and have been married to a wonderful, handsome man for almost five years. But a year ago, I lost all interest in sex. Part of it is exhaustion (demanding jobs, chores, etc.). Part of it is that all touching leads to attempted sex. Part of it is that I don't want kids yet. And a big part of it is that the desire is just gone. We've talked about it, but nothing changes. And then I resent him for knowing all this but not changing, which makes me want to have sex with him less. Is this just what happens after marriage? — GOT A HEADACHE

If this was inevitable after marriage, then normal Americans would get divorced as often as celebrities!

I would first recommend a thorough physical to rule out hormonal issues. But you've pinpointed some psychological ones, each with their own plan of attack. The exhaustion can be overcome by making your sex life more of a priority: choosing not to bog yourself so far down that your job — or the Swiffer — wins. Agreeing that you will spend a few weeks just touching — no sex allowed — can help you both relearn what makes you tick. The fear of pregnancy can be assuaged by a more thorough birth control plan.

Above all, though, a breakdown in physical intimacy is very often entangled with cracks in emotional intimacy, and resentment is an emotion that can fester like an non-lanced boil. Taking it one day at a time with the goals of increased communication, less-pressured and more-romantic touching, and all-around stress management would be a great strategy, with which a good counselor — who may specialize in sexual issues — could truly help.

My girlfriend is a single mother. The problem is that her son is approaching 12 years old and is still sleeping in bed with her. I foresee puberty coming up and him seeing her in an inappropriate way and, subsequently, getting ideas (innocent but imminent). I tell her this, and she says she knows but does nothing about it, and being that her ex-husband agrees (according to her), there is really nothing I can do about it. Is there? — CURIOUS GEORGE

Since all I can give you are my thoughts, rather than a crowbar to pry him out of her bed, I'll be direct. To sleep with a parent of the opposite sex while on the cusp of adolescence is asking for complications in the development of boundaries, privacy and, you guessed it, sexuality.

Co-sleeping with babies and younger children is a practice that plenty of families — and entire cultures — find to be beneficial all around. But many parents sleep with their children for longer than is necessarily a good idea. They blame it on the transition being hard on the kids, rather than — much more likely — they're having the hardest time of all giving up the arrangement.

Your girlfriend might have kept this habit out of loneliness, vulnerability or fear of his growing up and "abandoning" her, which is heavy stuff. And if she truly sees the light and wants to change, she'd benefit from some emotional support and a clear game plan, which a counselor would be perfect for.

If she still shows no signs of motivation to move forward, this brings up bigger questions of what your role is in the relationship and whether you could be with someone who parents in a way you don't approve of.

Talk Back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Eric Reece for Express