Idol Chatter: Deep in the Psyche of Texas

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Express' Greg Barber reflects on part 2 of the "American Idol" season premiere.

Contestants in Dallas wait for their shot at fame on "American Idol." Photo courtesy Fox.

BEFORE EVEN BEGINNING to watch this episode, a viewer wishing to maintain his sanity must prepare for the inevitable: "AI" can't go to a place like Dallas without indulging in a shameless listing of Texas stereotypes and catch phrases.

So let's make a game of it. We'll see how many of them "Idol" can pack into the show's first 3 minutes:

8:00
» Ryan Seacrest: "Is there any more talent [in Dallas] or is Kelly [Clarkson] the lone star?"

8:01
» Fat guy in jeans and a cowboy hat.
» A ranch fence.
» The "Dallas" theme song.
» Girl with tank top, big hair and Texas flag hat. *Rowr*
» Longhorns.
» Cowboy statue.
» Ranch sign.
» Some dude yelling "yee-haw." (Will California Tortilla sue?)
» "Don't mess with Texas" shirt. (It took nearly two full minutes for this?)
» Large person in dress yelling "everything's bigger in Texas."
» Seacrest: "We knew we'd draw a Texas-sized crowd."
» Girl with twang so thick it renders her nearly unintelligible. After three separate listenings, this is the closest I could come to transcribing it: "Yew knaw whut? Ah'd creeayte mahself a Slip 'n' Slide in thees drays, thaht's hahw hawt it ees."

8:02
» Finally, our first trucker-hat-sportin' redneck.

That's 14. Fourteen Texas stereotypes! Ah ah ah!

(By the way, did you catch the bit right at the beginning of the episode about the woman who had a baby at the auditions and named it "Idol"? Little Idol, pictured with mom at right, should be happy she wasn't at a "Wheel of Fortune" taping. "Sajak" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.)

TOP FIVES
You take the good, you take the bad, you take 'em both and there you have another audition show. Here's some of the ... well, bad.

» Top 5 Perfectly Nice People Who Made Fools of Themselves on Network TV
5) Tammy Tuzinski: She starts out as the "Idol" edit room's latest victim. OK, she's low-key. Really low-key. Juxtaposing her against rowdy crowds, though, that's just mean.

She says Celine Dion "gives me warmth and strength when I sing." Sadly, a V6 engine would have a hard time heating and powering up the vocal mess she manifested as she attempted "If You Asked Me To." (Watch here.)

4) Kyle Reinneck: "I'm a pretty hardcore rocker," he says. "I like ... rockin'." Indeed. Unfortunately, Kelly Clarkson's "Never Again" rocked the back of his throat more than anything else. And his demonic eyes rocked the judges to their cores. He might now be partly responsible for the term "guyliner" — eyeliner on a man, natch — grabbing a toehold in the popular lexicon. What would he call his spray-on tan, then?

3) Angela Riley: You know those couples that are just too pretty? That's Angela and her husband, Chad. Her singing sounds like that time that Jack did his Cher impression on "Will & Grace." And the toothy grin she gives while singing would put the Cheshire Cat to shame. (Watch here.)

Chad's a little weird, too. A little too muscular (he's a model, y'know). And almost patronizing in his encouragement of Angela. She doesn't make it to Hollywood. But at least they can go off and be blindingly hot together.

2) Beth Maddocks: Um. Have you ever heard the Greased-Up Deaf Guy from "Family Guy"? That's what her singing voice sounds like. If he was placed on a washing machine during spin cycle. She tried to sing Kelly Clarkson's "Beautiful Disaster." "I couldn't understand a word of it," said Simon. "The vocals are not hot, baby," said Randy, between cruel chortles.

1) Paul Stafford: This plaid-clad lawnmower man whacks weeds at a baseball field and is a member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, a group that hearts thrill rides. (They apparently actually exist.) But the scariest ride came after he started singing. (Watch here.)

Paul seems like a nice man. But his performance was like watching your kindest, jolliest most tone-deaf coworker attempt karaoke. But without the backing music. Or, sadly, the booze.

Paula termed it "one of the most joyful auditions we've ever had." But after the judges batted him around like a trio of alley cats with a slow, plump mouse, they finally let him leave the room.

Paul's flustered parting words: "Simon didn't come down on me like I thought he would. And that's always good. Cause he goes down on just about everybody."

No immediate cut to Seacrest? Rats.

» Top 5 Weirdos
5) Brandon Green: He's been saving his fingernail clippings since 7th or 8th grade, he says. He's 21. His parents must be proud. (Watch here, if you dare.) We'll be seeing more of him, though — the judges handed him a ticket to Hollywood.

4) Tristan Clements: A skinny 18-year-old Anthony Michael Hall lookalike trying to sing "Think" by Aretha Franklin? "Creepy," said Simon.

3) Gregory & Mia Tobas: The 18-year-old and 16-year-old from Ennis, Texas, look like they'd either invite you home for a rollicking game of Yahtzee or chop you up and store you in a crawl space. In any case, their strange, disjointed, operatic-ish singing is about the closest the rest of us will come to experiencing the voices in Paula's head.

2) Douglas Davidson: He did vocal warm-ups in front of the judges. He paced. He sang multiple songs despite the judges' pleas that he leave. He was escorted out by security. (Watch here.)

Aside from whatever personal problems Douglas might harbor, what stuck out for me was that he had a truly strange breathing pattern while he sang, which made it seem like he was munching puffs of air as Pac Man would pellets. I hope he finds his happy place.

1) Renaldo Lapuz: I wanted to cry fake on this guy, but my gut tells me he's on the up-and-up. He really likes Simon. In a spangly, shouty, silver-caped sort of way. In a let-me-put-your-name-on-my-feathered-hat kind of way. The 44-year-old's enthusiasm was infectious. As was his song, "Brothers Forever," which I fear I'll have stuck in my head for days. (Watch here, but cover your ears first.)

I'll ask: Could he be headed for William Hung territory?

SOAPBOX MOMENT
The story of Bruce Dickson was a truly fascinating character study. "I've never kissed a girl, and I've never had an intimate relationship with a woman before," he said with the earnestness and intensity of a 19-year-old who'd never kissed or had an intimate relationship with anyone before. Can pent-up sexual desire give someone super powers? If so, this guy could give Peter Petrelli a run for his money. (Watch here.)

Bruce made a promise to his dad at age 13 that he'd save himself for his future wife. He wears a key on a chain around his neck symbolizing that promise. His dad, creepily, wears the metal heart that the key fits into. He's holding onto it, Bruce says, until his future wife comes to claim it. Bruce says his first kiss will be on his wedding day.

He may as well have told the judges that he enjoys eating razor blades smothered in Tabasco. Simon's jaw became a permanent fixture on the floor.

Bruce's voice was only so-so, although it wasn't terrible. He asked for advice. "Kiss some girls," Randy says.

Rough, dawg. One look at Bruce and it's clear he's likely not lacking for female attention. And while not all of us would choose to remain as completely scorched-earth abstinent as he has, you've got to give it up to the guy for sticking to his guns. Tightly.

I know that by making his lack of sexual experience part of his character on the show — attractive guy who isn't getting any is a solid hook — he's opening himself up to criticism, but I think the judges went a bit too far in their poking fun at him. It's a very personal choice; I think they should have left the kid alone about it. Of course, where's the fun in that?

BEST OF THE BATCH
» Drew Poppelreiter: "It's not my thing," Simon said of this 24-year-old's twang-soaked country singing. And I'd agree that the George Strait song he chose wasn't the best to showcase his vocal talent. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say I think Drew will surprise us this season. It'd be great if he did, too — this Mississippi farmer seems to be the kind of genuine guy good things ought to happen to.

» Jessica Brown: The story of her recovery from meth abuse is breezily sanitized for the "Idol" audience, but clawing her way out of daily drug use had to be a hell of a struggle. I'd bet that's what put the crackle in her otherwise syrupy twang. The 24-year-old from Longview, Texas, stuck some soul in the Pretenders song she sang. I was a little distracted, though, trying to figure out which Becky from "Roseanne" she looks most like. I'm going with Sarah Chalke. (Judge for yourself here.)

» Alaina Whitaker: I'll admit, I looked at this 16-year-old from Tulsa, Okla., and thought she'd be a pretty face with a so-so voice. But she sounded great. (Watch here.) Simon was less than effusive: "You're not as good as you think you are." To which Alaina replied an endearing, "Shoot." I like her. She's got spunk. Keep an eye on her.

» Zpia Easley: Everything about this gal screams "gutsy." Her look, which is very Meshell Ndegeocello; her choice of song, Gladys Knight's "I've Got to Use My Imagination"; and her range, which floats effortlessly into lower notes. (Watch here.) Simon gushes, "You're confident. And you're stylish. I like you. A lot. A lot." She's atypical. That could take her far.

» Kady Malloy: The 18-year-old did a mean Britney impression, but it was her take on "Unchained Melody" that blew the judges away. Me, too. I wrote just yesterday that anyone trying this song had better have some talent to back it up. She's got it in spades. (Watch here.) Simon thinks so, too. "Of all the people we've seen this year, you're the best so far," he said.

NEXT WEEK: "Idol" heads to San Diego. Stay classy till then.

Photos courtesy Fox