Idol Chatter: Audition Transition

Express' Greg Barber recaps the season's final "American Idol" audition show.

WE'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE, man.

We've crisscrossed the country on our little "Idol"-led auditioning journey, swooping through Philadelphia, Dallas, San Diego, Charleston, Omaha, Miami and Atlanta.

And, boy, are our ears tired.

So what does the winded "Idol" audience most need now? Another audition show, of course!

But this one — they hasten to add — will have the best of the best and the freakiest freaks!

Woo.

It's getting rote. It's getting tiring. P.T. Barnum would have a tough time filling seats for this thing.

But this is an important show. It's a moment to take stock of the talent in the "Idol" stable and see what we'll have to work with for the rest of the season. It's like rechecking your cart before heading for the registers at the grocery store or that one last armpit sniff before a first date.

So at the end of this post, I'll list out my top five favorite candidates thus far — and I hope you'll leave yours in comments. We really should get this all out on the table before we let our relationship progress any further.

VOICE FROM ABOVE
Tiffany McCambell has no doubt where her vocal talent sprung from.

"God gave me this gift of singing," she says.

"I've been singing ever since church choir," she tells us. "And actually, the Holy Spirit was just telling me to go ahead and audition."

Obviously, the producers, judges and Seacrest all have a field day with this — religion is tops on their list of things to be mocked. But once Tiffany starts singing — "Hallelujah," of course — it's clear that her gift is one meant solely for her enjoyment.

What she calls singing, most people call shouting. There's really no other way around it. (Watch here.)

She seems like a nice gal, though, and takes the judges' outright disdain with class. She seems like she'll land on her feet.

TAG TEAM
From godliness, we swing low into the types of sin not often alluded to on network television, but here goes.

Ashley Lawing is a hot blonde. She is apparently dating one of a set of studly identical twin guys, Chris and Cory Lane. Or at least that's what I think. At first, however, Seacrest's purposefully vague voiceover leads me to believe that Ashley is — how should I say — fraternizing with both brothers. At the same time.

And once that seed's planted, I can't seem to uproot it. Which makes this segment of the show much more interesting than the others thus far.

The brothers, once they open their mouths, seem kind of like a-holes. They botch their beatbox-backed rap act, but even when they finally recover, the payoff is nil. It's all about some rivalry with some other set of twins I can't bring myself to care about. They were much more fun when they didn't speak. (Watch here.)

Ashley, on the other hand, has some brains to go along with her radiant looks and uber-tanned skin. That is to say, she knows how to work this crowd.

She brings in her 6-week-old puppy, Panda, for the judges — especially Paula — to coo over. Simon's over the moon, too. Which leads us to an exchange that launched a thousand promos:

» SIMON: I'm going to steal your dog.
» ASHLEY: As long as you put me through to Hollywood, you can have whatever you want.

A smile of comic book proportions appears on Simon's face — as if he'd tried the entire array of new and improved Joker products, now with Smilex! It's the height of creepy.

But back to Ashley, who sings "Red High Heels" — insomuch as talking rhythmically off-key is singing.

"It was excruciating," Simon says.

"Excruciatin'?!" exclaims Ashley. "Is today opposite day?"

The unkindest cut, though, comes from one of the Lanes: "I think that she actually thinks she's good, but I don't know," he says with a snicker. "We kinda told her that her voice was up to par just so she would try out, but she's not that great."

"My guess is that she's not making it," says the other.

It's time for her to find a new family to date.

HELLO, DOLLY
Alesha Stelzl looks like a young Anna Nicole Smith and describes her voice as "unique." By the same token, a three-headed frog that breathes fire would also be unique.

She seems to speak normally, but when she sings, she develops a speech impediment not unlike the Madeline Kahn character in "Blazing Saddles." Or Elmer Fudd. It's so vewwy, vewwy stwange.

And then when her voice hits the upper registers, it gets lodged in the back of her throat and buzzes around like a trapped bumblebee. (Watch here.)

I've never heard anything quite like it. And I don't think I ever want to again.

"It was an absolutely dreadful audition," Simon says.

"Completely wrong song for you, too," Randy adds. But he suggests that she sings like Dolly Parton. Which leaves me baffled. But there's more.

Unfortunately, Alesha hasn't heard of Dolly Parton. Who the hell hasn't heard of Dolly Parton? I mean, not knowing the words to her songs, maybe, but not knowing who she is? Is this what our country has come to?

So she's sent out to learn a Dolly song, and sets her sights on "Islands in the Stream," a duet with Kenny Rogers. And she actually does sound better when she sings it. (Watch here.) Simon agrees. "I hate to admit it, but you're right," he says. "I'm really disappointed."

She's got a ticket to Hollywood. Let's hope more Dolly tunes are there to meet her. And that somebody frees that bumblebee.

BREAST DRESSED:
Amy Davis. I really want to like her, both for her back story (her single mom worked two jobs to raise six kids) and her personality, which sounds pleasant enough. But her singing voice, while technically proficient, doesn't really excite me in the slightest. The song she chooses is bland, and the way she sings it is uninspiring. (Watch here.)

Her heart seems to be in the right place. I know: I think I can see it through her top. And I'm wondering if her, um, attributes might have had something to do with her being given a ticket to Hollywood.

MOST RIDICULOUS OUTFIT:
Luke Reeder's. His big white shirt and floppy-eared hat make him look like an overweight Snoopy. (Watch here.)

And what kind of nitwit thinks singing Limp Bizkit's version of "Faith" will get them anywhere on this show? Dude. Might as well go with death metal.

MOST UNFORTUNATE QUOTE:
"I have a feeling that you have a lot of different sounds that come out of you."
— Paula, to contestant JoAnne Borgella. (Watch here.) Nobody wants that said about them on national television.

CONTESTANTS TO WATCH:
» Cardin McKinney. The 20-year-old waitress at a Nashville fondue restaurant turns up the heat in the audition room when she belts out "One Night Only" from "Dreamgirls." (Watch here.) But Simon doesn't exactly melt. "You come over as a very theatrical singer. I don't think you're a contemporary recording artist." I'd agree that she's not as strong as many of the other contestants, but I have a gut feeling that she'll take Simon's criticism to heart as she heads to Hollywood.

» Chikezie Eze. He didn't make it last season, but his voice this time around is so clean and melodic, it slips straight through his Luther Vandross audition number with nary a fudged note. (Watch here.) Simon doesn't seem to be in his camp, but Randy and Paula like him. He'll need to jazz up his presentation a bit to keep competitive, I think.

» Danny Noriega. I'd bet this kid doesn't weigh more than a buck 10 soaking wet, but he's got one hell of a big voice tightly wound inside that diminutive frame. He says nerves got the best of him last season, but he's chock full of confidence when he rips through "Proud Mary." He's got a ton of talent and, at 17, is right in the preferred "Idol" age range — young, young, young. He'd better keep that cockiness in check, though, or he'll become downright unlikeable. Although that might make Simon like him more.

» NEXT WEEK: It's Hollywood week, and the 164 Idolites chosen over the past eight episodes are prepped to face off. I'll see you here then.

But first, as promised, my top five contestants to watch thus far:

5) David Archuleta. His John Mayer-ish voice wowed the judges, as did his recovery from partial vocal paralysis. (Watch here.) Plus, he just seems like a sweet kid. I have high hopes for him.

4) Syesha Mercado. She is all sunshine and light — and has a voice that seems to throw off its own wattage. (Watch here.) She'll want to watch the unnecessary flourishes in Hollywood, though. And she'll also need to have a thick enough skin to survive the competition.

3) Zpia Easley. She's got more of an edge than any of the other female singers I've seen, and her range and style put her in a different class of contestant. (Watch here.) Let's hope she plays nicely with others.

2) Danny Noriega. The fact that I've just watched him perform might have unduly upped his ranking, but his youth and hard-charging vocals make him a fierce contender. (Watch here.) If his personality and his nerves don't get in the way.

1) Amanda Overmeyer. This bike-straddlin' nurse from the Atlanta audition has the voice of a rocker and an attitude to match. Although she seems to be perfectly pleasant to talk to. (Watch here.) So far, my money's on her.

Which contestants rank in your top five? Share with the group below in comments.

Posted By Greg Barber at 10:45 AM on February 7, 2008 Tagged in Arts & Events , Idol Chatter , Television , Top Columns

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