Idol Chatter: Boys in the Attic

Express' Greg Barber is strapped in for a week's worth of "American Idol" zaniness. In this episode, the Top 12 guys face off by by dusting off hits of the '60s.

RYAN SEACREST is in his element as this "Idol" episode begins. Graphics are a-blazin', a studio audience is a-clappin' and not a thing — not a homogenized, white-balanced, perfectly focused thing — in his line of sight is anything less than totally man-made.

Except maybe the people. And some of them I have doubts about. Take, for example, Seacrest himself.

His skin glistens in its well-lit syntheticness as he sets the scene for we gentle viewers.

"The auditions are over!" he says to squeals from the audience, as if each member had coached a Super Bowl team and had been gleefully doused in frigid Gatorade. "And we have made it back into the studio.

"Now it's not just a stage, it's a platform," he tells us. "A platform that will launch ..."

Wait for it.

"... someone into superstardom."

Oh. "... me beyond the surly bonds of Earth" was what I was hoping for. But whichever.

This is the first competition whose winners and losers will be decided completely by the viewers. Which means pretty much anything can happen. Like someone with questionable talent surviving well into the final rounds. Or a stellar performer being rudely yanked from a well-earned reward.

Who doesn't love democracy? And commerce, too, since nary a note is sung before we get our first commercial break!

By the way, I'm a big Mac fan, but the new MacBook Air — you know, the one that can fit into a manila envelope — scares the crud out of me. Just what we need: a computer you can accidentally mail off because it's so small. There are days that my office is so cluttered, I'm lucky to find my giant, hulking desktop computer. Now there's a laptop that'll fit in a shredder? Great.

Speaking of, Mac and "Idol" have formed an unholy union of sorts — now you can download MP3s or videos of performances on the show for a modest fee once they air. I wonder if that means the meanies at Fox will go after the friendly neighborhood YouTubers who help li'l bloggers like me keep big ol' recaps like this one from getting too boring.

Fight the power, y'all.

So let's get to the guys.

DAVID HERNANDEZ
This 24-year-old Arizona native said he took Simon's criticism during Hollywood week — "I think you're going to have to work a heck of a lot harder for you to have even a remote chance of winning" — as a challenge. "My plan now is to prove Simon wrong," he says.

He sings "Midnight Hour." (Watch here.) His wardrobe's a little funky — it looks like his shirt is fastened together at the shoulders by a thick, jaunty string — but his voice is powerful as usual. Though I can't help but think that there's something kinda cabaret-ish about his delivery. A little more Broadway than Black Cat, dontcha think?

Randy's a fan. "The competition's on, baby. It's on!" He's so subdued.

Paula appears to be wearing saran wrap mixed with a little tinsel. It's confusing. But she applauds David as well, especially his falsetto, vibrato and other things that end in "o."

"David, it actually was better than I thought it was going to be," Simon says. He loved the beginning, but thought it cascaded to a sloppy ending. "I think you've got to loosen up a bit," he said.

CHIKEZIE
The 22-year-old was almost a finalist last season, but he got sent home during Hollywood Week. He didn't lose faith and tried out again. Then, he didn't lose his courage and emerged a victor after this year's stint in Hollywood. What he did lose between last week and this one, however, is his last name. Was it not Eze enough to spell?

His song is "More Today Than Yesterday" by Spiral Staircase, but his wardrobe is more yesterday than today. Prom King 1973 yesterday. As for the song, it sounded a little throaty and rocky at first to me, but he hit a groove by the end that was hypnotic. (Watch here.)

Randy makes a solid point: as a throwback sort of singer, Chikezie needs to be sure to hike the hipness factor of any older material he might attempt. "What's going to help you is to make it new, fresh, what's going on," he said.

Paula is all about the physics. "You're here," she says. "You are here." But more to the point. "I love Chikezie's singing. You're a throwback to great R&B."

Simon isn't so much with the gushing. "I absolutely hated the whole performance," he says.

He dogs on Chikezie's suit, which Chikezie isn't having. He retorts with a wardrobe zinger of his own: "White, gray and black," he says, commenting on Simon's own clothing choices. (Come to think of it, has Simon been wearing that same shirt all season?)

"To be honest with you, this could have been something we filmed 40 years ago, 30 years ago — it was so old fashioned," Simon says.

And that's where Chikezie gets a little defensive. "It was '60s night, right? I was taking a '60s song of one genre and taking it to a different genre in the same era. That's what I was trying to do. I'm sorry you didn't understand that."

Dude. Let Simon be the jerk. Don't meet him there. It's unseemly.

DAVID COOK
When his version of The Turtles' "Happy Together" starts, I'm concerned that he's about to turn one of the peppiest songs of the era into an unlistenable dirge. I shouldn't have worried. Once the tempo pops into place, David's vocals soar. The audience is on its feet, toes get to tapping — it's good-time music. (Watch here.)

Although his vocals are dead-on, David looks a little mannequinish on stage. He's got the audience in the palm of one of his hands, but in the other, he's awkwardly clutching the microphone stand and doesn't quite seem to know what to do with it. Wave it around? Threaten people with it? Eat it? It's his performance's only sour note.

Randy is effusive. "You started it and it was a little weird for me, but, dude, you know what? You worked it out and made a rock joint out of 'Happy Together' — dude, it was crazy."

Paula, referring to an oblique comment by Simon during auditions, agrees. "I have to tell you, it was a bit worthy. It's worthy of great praise. You rocked it."

"You almost made it believable," Simon says. He seems particularly pissy tonight, eh?

JASON YEAGER
All I know about this 28-year-old Texan is that he's got a skunk stripe in his hair and that he cried during Hollywood Week.

His version of "Moon River" doesn't make me want to know much more about him. He's on a stool. A smarmy grin is plastered on his face. It's all very Barry Manilow. Or Bill Murray's Nick the Lounge Singer character.

He's Mayor McCheese, without the sesame-seed bun for a head. (Watch here, if you must.)

"I think you definitely did a pretty good job with that song," Randy says, inexplicably. He calls him on some pitch issues. But is otherwise complimentary.

Paula did her first ballet recital to that song. 'Nuff said.

"I think it was very cruise ship, the whole performance," Simon says. "You're like a dependable old dog, aren't you? Like a sheep dog. You can rely on you, but it's not going to be very exciting."

As Seacrest tosses to commercial, the camera shows us Robbie Carrico and David Archuleta standing next to each other. It's a scene that could be a poster for an after-school special about a good kid who fell in with the wrong crowd.

ROBBIE CARRICO
It's Idol Chatter quiz time! Who does this 26-year-old Floridian most resemble?

» a) Jay of Jay and Silent Bob fame.
» b) Axl Rose.
» c) Pirate Steve from the movie "Dodgeball."
» d) Kid Rock.
» e) Janice from the Muppets.

Leave your answers below in comments. Remember, standard text messaging rates apply.

... But back to the show. And regardless of who he resembles (and his Dr. Evil outfit), Robbie during this performance looks most like a pro. He gives "One" a rockish edge, and it's subtle notes like his jumps into a higher vocal range and his harmonizing with the backup singers that show he knows what he's doing. (Watch here.)

I mean, the guy toured with Britney when he was in a boy/girl band. Which means he probably knows a thing or two about working a crowd. He must also make a mean peanut butter and 'nanna sandwich, too, y'all.

"You moved me, baby," Randy says.

"You're authentic," Paula says. "The vocals weren't over the top, but they were right in the pocket. Right where they should be."

Simon's not so sure about the authenticity thing. "I'm not quite sure yet whether you're really comfortable with this rock thing — is it really you? — or are you a pop singer?"

Says Robbie: "No, definitely not a pop singer. I can sing anything, but I love rock. And this is me."

That's how to respond to Simon, friends. Be direct, but don't get your back up. Your ire only makes him stronger.

DAVID ARCHULETA
I'm beginning to think one of two things about this 17-year-old from Utah: either he really is as 99.44 percent pure as he seems or he likes to scream dirty words at old ladies and bite the heads off of stuffed animals in his spare time.

He sings "Shop Around," and the beginning doesn't wow me — his voice sounds especially froggy and unappealing at first. It seems like this is totally the wrong song for him. But that all melts away as his voice heats up and he delivers the one-two punch of a rousing middle and a soaring conclusion, with one powerful note that shows how formidable a range lurks within those pinchable cheeks. (Watch here.)

"You sang that song so mature for someone who's 17," Randy says, "I'm like, 'Yo, this kid is ready to go.'"

"I forget about how old you are," Paula says Mrs. Robinsonly. "I just look at this unbelievably confident older soul that just knows what's best for you. You did a great job, David."

"When you've got it, you've got it," Simon says. "And, David, that was by a comfortable mile, the best performance of the night so far."

The kid is clearly washed away by the flood of positive feelings. "You're so likeable," Seacrest says — echoing the overwhelming feeling you almost have to experience just by watching this guy.

I can almost smell the backlash coming.

DANNY NORIEGA
For those who like their teens with attitude (woah, did that sound creepy), we have the anti-Archuleta, 18-year-old Danny Noriega. "Tonight, when I perform my song, I want to bring my swagger and attitude on stage," he says. "I want it to be hot. So, I'm gonna bring it."

Attitude-wise, he brings it, heats it up and ladles it out in heaping doses when he slips on The King's crown for "Jailhouse Rock."

Attitude aside, though, it was a strange performance for him. First off, if he wasn't already 18, Fox might have had to pull an Ed Sullivan and show him from the waist up. Those are the tightest pants I've seen this side of George Michael's "Faith" video.

But "Jailhouse Rock" isn't really a singer's song. And his dancing — which verges on the Elaine-like in places — seems to leave him so winded that each verse ends in a breathy sigh. (Watch here.)

It wasn't his best performance.

"The vocals, I mean, I thought they were OK," Randy says. "It was kinda hot."

"It was very warm, almost scalding," Paula says. "I love hearing how your voice goes in and out of these beautiful colors."

Huh?

"I think there's going to be a lot of colors of Danny coming out."

"I don't understand a word of what you said," Simon says. Then, he lowers the boom.

"I thought the performance was verging on grotesque," he says. "If you're going to take on Elvis, at least do it well. ... If this was the first time anyone tuned in to this show by accident and saw that, which is somebody destroying an Elvis Presley song, they're not going to believe that this is the most talented group of kids in America. It was awful."

The judges bicker like cackling old crows. And poor Danny looks like a deer caught in headlights. Adios, attitude.

LUKE MENARD
We don't know much about Luke. He's a carpet cleaner. He has a wife whose face we don't see. He didn't make it in Season 6.

He sings "Everybody's Talkin' at Me" by Harry Nilsson. At first, his voice sounds uninteresting, but I sort of enjoy the etherealness of it by the end. It doesn't excite me, though. (Watch here.)

Randy and Paula say it's pitchy, a little too sharp, a little too blah a song.

"Your problem was, it was forgettable," Simon says. "No one's going to remember that as being either a great performance or a great vocal. You fell into the absolute worst trap you could fall into, which is no one's going to remember you."

Then, Simon shushes Paula. Oh no he didn't.

Seacrest asks Luke to react. "I didn't really feel like what they said was completely accurate. Thankfully, it's up to the voters now," Luke says with a smile. "I think people are going to remember this tomorrow."

Me, too. But they still won't like it.

COLTON BERRY
This 18-year-old from Staunton, Va., says he looks like Ellen DeGeneres, but I'm going to go with a slightly less puffy-lipped Macaulay Culkin. With extra bed head. Or maybe not.

His attempt at Elvis, with "Suspicious Minds," is far more successful than Danny Noriega's Presley turn. It's a showier song vocally, which gives Colton a chance to sing fast, sing slow and really belt out an ending. It's a far better choice. (Watch here.)

His stage presence is a little uneven, though. He's got chemistry with the camera, but appears to lose, then regain his confidence repeatedly throughout the performance. He also affects a quirky upper-body strut that's a little Mick Jagger and a lot Foghorn Leghorn. It's like he's suddenly coated in 11 herbs and spices.

Overall, though, it's a stirring performance. He's got a lot of pluck. (Sorry.)

"You did a pretty good job on it, man, I think," Randy says.

"It's nice to see a different side of you," Paula says. "I don't feel it's your best performance, but I do think you gave it an eager and fun attempt."

She's coming unraveled a little, isn't she?

Simon is, too — and poor Colton gets the brunt of it. If the whole point of the show is to find a recording artist, Simon asks, why are we watching a kid like Colton show off with an Elvis song? Where's that spark, that central something that would make him current?

It's a damn good question, but it's not Colton who should be answering it — or, frankly, blamed for it. It's the show. So much emphasis is put on presentation. How you look. How you move. How you interact with the band, in some cases. If "American Idol" has lost its way — and you could certainly make an argument that it has — Simon shouldn't blame the product of the show; he should blame its producers.

"Idol" is a television show about finding a recording artist. What Simon appears to want at this moment — his comments just a scant hour ago about Chikezie's wardrobe aide, apparently — is to hear from someone who would be a stellar vocal performer who doesn't need all the razzle dazzle of a stage show to make their singing sound good. Fair enough. But in what world would such an artist ever be able to make it? Certainly not one like ours today, in which music stars must look good on stage, in music videos and on the Internet in various ways.

I think Simon doth protest too much. The show is what people like him have made it. As is the music industry. Want to change that? Work at it from the inside, my friend.

Wow. If anybody's missing a soapbox, I'll happily hand back this one.

GARRETT HALEY
"My mom always told me to go big or go home," the 17-year-old says. With his big mop of hair, it's easy to confuse him with another Garrett — Leif (hope the coiffure sticks around, buddy). But his voice sounds a little nasally in the quick audition clips they give us.

It's not just the clips. There's something almost Michael Jackson-ish to his sound when he sings "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." A little, anyway. His presentation is too beauty pageantish. And his mustache looks like the dusting of upper-lip hair my dad quickly convinced me to shave off when I was 13. (Watch here.) I spend most of his performance preparing for the aneurysm I'm expecting Simon to have.

"The thing that struck me about this performance is that you didn't do anything with it," Randy says. "It was just kind of boring."

Paula concurs.

"It was boring. Your voice sounded a bit whiny. You looked terrified. And it looks as if you've been shut up in your bedroom for about a month," Simon says. "You look verging on haunted. You need some fresh air and you need to make yourself look young."

JASON CASTRO
This 20-year-old Ani Defranco/Linda Perry lookalike brings a guitar with him for his performance, which I think is going to be the kiss of death.

I'm very, very wrong.

His jingle-jangle strumming gives Lovin' Spoonful's "Daydream" an extra dash of poppy goodness. (Watch here.) It's the kind of song that could easily end up in a funky indie flick or an iPod commercial.

"It was all right, man, it was all right," Randy says. "It didn't blow me away, but it was all right."

"For me, you did blow me away," Paula said. "You picked a song that was absolutely perfect for you. Your take on it, it was so minimal, effortless and, really, joyful."

"I thought that was in the top two performances of the night," Simon says. "You, like David, have just got it. ... You made it sound current."

Rare praise. One Castro stepped down on Tuesday, but it looks like another just stepped up.

MICHAEL JOHNS
The "Idol" producers must have put this Aussie rocker last in the lineup so the show would end with a bang. Johns doesn't disappoint.

He picks The Doors' "Light My Fire," which he and lots of his fellow contestants dispensed with during Hollywood Week. He's incandescent during this performance, though. (Watch here.) And the judges feel the burn.

"You just throw all caution to the wind, you're always you, you sing great — I always feel like I'm seeing like a true legend rock performer," Randy says. "You're like Michael Hutchence ... you were the bomb tonight, baby."

"It was an excellent way to end the night," Paula says, "and you are a great part of the show."

"You are the most consistent contestants we've had," Simon says. "You have the natural charisma of a lead singer. You have just got it."

FEARLESS PICKS:
Although the night featured some standout performances — David Archuleta's, Michael Johns', David Cook's and Jason Castro's among them — it also played host to some real stinkers. Colton Berry and Garrett Haley weren't great, but I think they'll be back. Danny Noriega also had a swing and a miss, but I think voters will keep him around based on his previous works of music.

I think this is the week we'll say goodbye to Cruise Director Jason Yeager and ... um ... what's his name again? Oh, right, Luke Menard. How forgettable.

» TONIGHT: The Top 12 gals rattle their vocal chords for our listening pleasure. I'll be back with another recap tomorrow.

In the meantime, what do you think of the Top 12 guys? Who do you want to see getting the old heave-ho? Drop me a line in comments.

Photos courtesy Fox

Posted By Greg Barber at 8:20 AM on February 20, 2008 Tagged in Arts & Events , Idol Chatter , Television , Top Columns

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