Baggage Check: I Love You, But I'm Not Your Maid

| Print Post This | Like (0) | Comments (0)

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

My boyfriend has become more and more lazy as time goes by. I already feel like I'm a nag, and we don't even live together. I end up cleaning up his place quite often because I can't stand it when I'm there. I run his errands because I know if I don't, he will not have stamps for bills, or will run out of toilet paper or toothpaste. I know this is screwed up, but he just has become so lazy. I love him so much, but I can't imagine us living together or someday getting married without my having to become his mother. — IT'S GETTING OLD

There are many Goofus-and-Gallant partnerships that are as happy as a trip to Disney World. But there are others that crash and burn (especially AT Disney World, where the fanny-packed Monorail timers wage a daily war with the dawdlers, gawkers and loafers.)

Which traits differentiate these two sets of couples? Respect, appreciation, genuine willingness to assume their roles and openness of communication are a few. You have to level with your boyfriend about your feelings. It could be that he's like a slacker at a four-star hotel: He doesn't bother to pick up the towels because he knows that someone will do it for him, and with a little nudging (and perhaps the threat of an empty minibar), he'll improve. Or maybe he can't improve and can be happy only with someone who's willing to do a bit of management for him, lest he end up in an unheated apartment with nothing but one dried-up lime in the refrigerator.
Perhaps it's a power struggle and he's passively-aggressively driving you up the wall, one toilet paper roll at a time — or maybe he's depressed, stressed or just oblivious. Have the talk, hear him out, and his actions over time (doing that night's dishes doesn't count) will tell you what you need to know.

The friends of the woman I am seeing are constantly making references to her past ways. Apparently, she was fairly promiscuous. We are all in our 30s, and I've actually been married before, so I don't feel I have a right to judge her about her past. We are obviously adults, and people change. But it still bothers me. We haven't spoken explicitly about any of this. But I have never dated anyone I consider to have values different than my own. How does somebody get over this — or does he? — CONCERNED

One somebody does get over this, while another somebody has trouble looking at the small of his girlfriend's back without visualizing whose hands were there before his own. And when those hands have belonged to enough people to make up an Australian rugby league, the discomfort, of course, can be harder to handle.

Which somebody will you be? Well, you have to figure out exactly why this bothers you: that she may have a different value system than yours? That there are things her friends know and you don't? Garden-variety jealousy? A medley of those greatest hits?

Only then can you figure out whether you really can be with someone who knew the frat house like you knew the library. Arguably, a little more time can help no matter what -- the better you get to know her, and the more emotional intimacy you develop, the more you'll know whether you're in love with her as a whole person, flaws and all. And, hey, with any luck, those flaws will include having friends who unflatteringly exaggerate the truth.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Eric Reece for Express