Idol Chatter: Birth Orders

Express' Greg Barber recaps a baby picture-packed episode of "American Idol."

SPRINGTIME CAN BE A BLESSING and a curse. The days get longer, the weather gets warmer, plant life blossoms into a color-studded bloom. But if you're like me, it's those pretty, vivid, damned, hateful flowers that are the curse part. Especially the ones on trees that leave my sinuses as clogged as the big top during Hanna-Barbera's Laff-O-Lympics. So I apologize in advance for what might be a slightly loopy review.

Spring is also a time of renewal, however. And that's what our little Idolites need after last week's sub-par performances. They need a chance to recover from the damage done to them by The Beatles' songbook and to start fresh as a pollen-soaked breeze.

*sniffle*

And although I'm certainly not the picture of healthy fashion today — "Wow, I love that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer look, Greg!" — I cannot let the judges' wardrobes pass without comment.

Randy, who lately has been avoiding the faux pas of his Idi Amin phase last year, has apparently taken cues from Donald Duck this time around. Hopefully, he's wearing pants.

Paula's wardrobe has come from the Carol Channing collection, where you get a little dash o' crazy with every rental!

And Simon has either begun using product in his hair or hasn't noticed yet that he's got a dead muskrat on the top of his head.

Tonight's theme is songs from the year each contestant was born, which is a lame excuse for the producers to pop up baby pictures for us to ooh and aah at.

Yet another reason why I'm glad I'm not a contestant on "Idol" — aside from the fact that I can't sing. Billboard's Top 5 songs from the year of my birth? "Tonight's the Night" by Rod Stewart, "I Just Want to Be Your Everything" by Andy Gibb, "Best of My Love" by Emotions, "Love Theme From 'A Star Is Born'" by Barbra Streisand and "Angel in Your Arms" by Hot. It was a year of ups and downs musically. The Eagles released "Hotel California," but Jimmy Buffett unleashed "Margaritaville" on the world, like the parrot-headed plague that it is.

Back to the competition, though. And to Things That Will Surely Make Us Feel Old.

RAMIELE MALUBAY
Wee Ramiele was born Sept. 6, 1987. Not a typo, thirtysomethings and older. 1987. And she's not even the youngest! Li'l David Archuleta was born in, like, 2002 or something!

She was a bit of a feral child. "I would just go up to the kids and bite them, and then I'd walk away," she says. If only her performances up until now had had some bite. This week is an important one for her — she needs to prove she's still relevant in this competition.

She sings "Alone" by Heart — and it's apt that the song begins with the lyric, "I hear the ticking of the clock." But her time isn't up yet, and it won't be this week. It's a far more powerful, far more impactful performance than she's delivered in weeks. (Watch here.) That big voice that we all know is in that small package comes roaring out, with all of Ann Wilson's intensity and some help from her backup singers, who sound like they're given a little too much volume in the show's aural mix.

But that's not Ramiele's problem. This week, she's answered her critics and stepped up to the kind of performance we know she's capable of. Now, she needs to surprise us.

Apparently, the bug that's affected your fair reviewer is also ravaging the "Idol" family, including poor Ramiele and judge Randy.

"So, I hear you're a little under the weather like me, but still it wasn't the right song choice for you for me," Randy says, "it's a little too big of a song .... It's not quite your kind of thing. It was a little pitchy all over the place."

"I still give you a tremendous amount of credit and brave to do what you did, because you're really sick, I know that," says Paula, who looks and sounds as stuffy as I do.

"I don't think it was as bad as Randy said," Simon says. "The truth is, Ramiele, after what you sang last week, which I thought was appalling and you managed to survive, then you're going to get through this week on that performance, no question about it."

JASON CASTRO
Jason was born March 25, 1987. Which makes today his birthday! His 21st, as a matter of fact. And, unlike many of us, he'll probably remember what he did.

My little brother had the very same Hot Lixx toy guitar that young Jason sports during his intro clip. And I can personally attest that that thing is highly, highly annoying.

He's got a real guitar when he sings Sting's "Fragile." It's an OK performance. Far too much of it is a repetitive, mantra-like singing of the hook during which Jason is nearly drowned out by his backup singers. And I found the relentless jingling of his guitar to be more distracting than complementary. But his singing was good. Didn't sweep me off my feet, but it was melodic. (Watch here.)

"That was a very good choice of song. I don't know if you did anything different with it vocally, but I like that little Spanish touch and the whole thing," Randy says. "I'm still waiting to see that jump-out vocal performance."

"I think you're staying true to who you are," Paula says. "I don't think that we saw anything different that makes us go, 'Wow, Jason did something different,' ... so you were playing it a little safe in your zone."

"Jason, I think you've had two bad weeks," Simon says, "and I think it's time that you start taking this a little bit more seriously. Because ... that was the equivalent of someone busking outside a subway station. ... You're not going to win if you keep doing that week after week."

Are you taking this seriously, Seacrest asks Jason. "I can see where he's coming from," Jason says of Simon, "I mean, my playing was a little sloppy. I could spend a little more time practicing if I'm gonna do this."

Yeah, that helped his case.

SYESHA MERCADO
Syesha, who was born on Jan. 2, 1987, was apparently a crybaby when she was a kid. Which, of course, means she has to do her creepy baby crying impression. Which still freaks me out a little.

She sings Stephanie Mills' "If I Were Your Woman."

Here's the problem with Syesha: Nearly every week, I think she's dynamite. But then a week passes and I can't for the life of me remember what she sang. Take last week, for example. I could look at last week's column to refresh my memory, but whatever it was she did didn't stick in the ol' noggin. And that's why she'll have problems continuing to survive on this show.

I can't tell you why that is. She's a powerful singer. And this week's turn only underscores that. (Watch here.) But there's something about her performances is, to borrow a word from Simon, forgettable. It's a shame, but it's true.

"I think this is the best you've ever sounded to us," Randy says. "Yes! Yes! You've got another competitor in the competition."

"What's great about this performance Syesha, is that this is gonna be the moment that everyone remembers where Syesha flipped it and became the dark horse who's gonna sail on through," Paula says. "You were fantastic."

"Syesha, it was definitely the best so far," Simon says. "But I think there is a limit on your vocal, and I think that stretched it."

CHIKEZIE
He was born Sept. 11, 1985, and apparently started singing really early. And now he's back to the kind of ballad he sang at the beginning of the competition, this time "If Only for One Night" by Luther Vandross.

His voice is in fine form. The song itself is a little boring to me, but he works the crowd and punches the right notes so well that he transcends that for me. It's not a performance that people will be talking about tomorrow, but it's pretty good. (Watch here.)

"This went back to a very old-school kind of just.... It wasn't hip and cool, it wasn't that vibey Chikezie that I love," Randy says. "It was just kinda boring for me, dawg."

"Oh, I disagree, Randy," Paula says. "You are a throwback ... but it's a good throwback ... and I think you did a great job, and I think you did amazing with the textures of your vocals."

"I think you sang it well," Simon says. "I thought the performance, actually, was very cheesy. All the putting your hand into the audience..."

"But that's who I'm singing for," Chikezie says, "I'm sorry."

No, Simon says, "you're singing it for yourself, along with everybody else, come on."

"He gave love to the girls who were reaching out," Paula says.

"Oh, stop it," Simon says. "It's that you have to show originality, and I didn't see anything original. ... I miss your personality."

By the way, does anyone else find the Dyson vacuum commercials to be utterly sublime bits of unintentional comedy?

BROOKE WHITE
Born June 2, 1983, Brooke is the oldest of a "Children of the Corn"-esque brood of towheaded tots. Why did every emotion in her intro video strike me as phony, though? Am I the only one?

After a pregnant pause and a false start, she launches into The Police's "Every Breath You Take." It's a good rendition — pretty much what I'd expect to hear if someone told me Carly Simon was covering that song. There was nary a vocal flourish to be found. In other words, it was Safey McSafesalot. Nothing gambled, nothing won. (Watch here.)

And I can't help but wonder how she'd have done on previous seasons of the show when instruments weren't allowed. The piano seems to afford her a kind of cover.

"I thought the front part of it was pretty good," Randy says amid Brooke's continuing interruptions. "But when you got to like the bridge and you went to the out-chorus, I did not love the arrangement. ... It was just OK for me. It was all right."

Brooke. Seriously, shut the trap when the judges are talking. Could someone please correct her on this?

"I enjoyed this performance so much more than last week's," Paula says, although she probably also enjoyed this week's performance more than a root canal, and might have enjoyed the root canal more than last week's performance. If you didn't see what Brooke did to George Harrison's "Here Comes the Sun," count yourself among the lucky.

"We've always wanted contestants who are unique and have their own niche, and you do. ... I think you're consistent. This was great."

"I totally agree with Randy," Simon says, "if you'd have just stayed with you on the piano, that actually would have sounded much more cool. The minute it picked up tempo and the band joined in, it made it very old fashioned. Now, definitely good enough to keep you in for another week, but, you know, you've just got to work this out."

MICHAEL JOHNS
He was born Oct. 20, 1978, and was a competitive little tyke. And he's hoping to ratchet up his standing in this competition by going back to the band that gave him a spot in our minds in the first place: Queen.

It's weird to think of covering Freddie Mercury as somebody's crutch. But these are strange times, my friends.

It's a powerful performance, but I have one nit to pick. He shouldn't have tried to cram both "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions" into one less-than-two-minute set. Sure, they're often played back-to-back on the radio, but they're definitely two distinct songs. And the scragging of their guts that he had to do in order to combine them was about as extreme as his edits to The Beatles' "A Day in the Life" last week. It was a standout performance, but an overreach in the arrangement department. (Watch here.)

And it begs this question: If the guy can kick this much ass when taking on Freddie Mercury's songs, why can't he win us over with anything else?

"Finally, finally, finally, you believe in yourself and use that big ol' voice you got and challenge it," Randy says to thunderous applause, "and, dude, that was the best performance for me since you've been on this show."

"For any time that any one of us ever said you haven't found your right song, well, we can all shut out mouths on this one," Paula says. "This was your moment ... and I'm so proud of you."

"Michael, this is the first time with you that I saw star potential," Simon says. "Tonight, you just got it right. You look like a frontperson, you were confident, you performed well. For me, it's the only memorable performance of the night so far."

They're right, it totally upped his game. But what will he do for an encore?

CARLY SMITHSON
Born Sept. 12, 1983, Carly was named after the singer her mom heard on the radio on the way to the hospital, Carly Simon.

The second I hear that she's going to sing Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart," I literally scoot forward in my seat. "What a perfect song for her," I almost say out loud.

And it is.

She doesn't have Tyler's garden-trowel-to-the-throat rasp, but Carly alone in this competition has the pipes to pull off this freight train of a song. Aside from the final note, which I thought was a bit too showy, I thought it was a masterful performance. She rocked. (Watch here.)

"I liked it, I didn't love it," Randy says. "I think that wasn't quite the right song for you. It was just OK for me."

Was he listening to that?

"Carly, what I so admire about you is that you could take every song I'm not crazy about and make me go buy it," Paula says. Wait, why is Paula giving her the you-did-a-crappy-job- but-let-me-compliment-you routine? She did really well! Simon?

"Something didn't quite work, and I think it was because you were so tense and almost uptight during the performance, I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I was going to enjoy," Simon says. "I think you've just got to lighten up a little bit."

Is the Ricola I've been popping going to my head? Am I totally crazy for thinking she did really, really well?

I just rewound my recording and watched it again. Sure, she was intense, but it's an intense song. I'm sticking to my guns on this one. Feel free to take me on on this in comments.

DAVID ARCHULETA
Aw, Li'l David might miss his prom because he's on national TV. Then Seacrest creepily insists on asking him who he's taking to prom. Then the cameras cut to a gal seated with his family who's totally going to get her hair ripped out by the fangirlies who want want want Li'l David for their very own. It's all very primal.

OK, brace for this. Li'l David was born Dec. 28, 1990. Nineteen ninety. And he walks and talks and almost votes and stuff. Dude.

He sings "You're the Voice," which, as a person who remembers 1990 very well, I'm surprised to say I don't know. It was first released in 1985 by John Farnham, but then remade by David Foster — who was just on "Idol" last week, oddly enough — in 1990.

It's a quirky song for David. He sings it well — he sings everything well — but it seems to fall back into his trap of preachy why-can't-we-all-get-along songs. I like that he didn't pick a mainstream hit, I suppose, but he seems to have a hard time keeping up with the song's pace. (Watch here.) It's not my favorite performance of his. But it would take an act of God to keep his fangals from whipping out their Sidekicks and texting 50 votes each. So who is a mere mortal like myself to question his Li'l Davidness?

"It was a strange song choice for me," Randy says. "It proves once again that if you can sing, you can sing whut-evah."

"I think all of us were trying to figure it out," Paula says. "David you can sing the phone book and we'd fall in love with you."

"David, you sang it well in parts," Simon says. "I actually didn't like the performance at all. I actually thought it was reminiscent of a theme park performance. It's one of those ghastly songs you sing, you know, when you've got, like, animated creatures with you —"

Cut to Paula. Cut to Paula. Damn.

" — and everybody joins in together, that's what it reminds me of. ... I'd be amazed if you chose the song yourself, because it's not you."

If he didn't choose it, who did, Simon? Mommy and Daddy? The producers? Hmmm.

Amanda Overmyer must be psyched! Sure, she's off the show. But the lead singer of REO Speedwagon is on "Don't Forget the Lyrics"!

KRISTY LEE COOK
Kristy was born Jan. 18, 1984. "My parents didn't really tell me much about when I was born besides the fact that I came out smiling," she says.

See? Even her birth was forgettable!

She sings Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA." Which, now that I think about it, is a spectacular move on her part. It might just tap her into a constituency that's moved more by the meaning of the song — ratcheted up for many during this time of war, especially those who have relatives fighting overseas — than her particular rendition of it. And one could read the choice almost as Kristy daring the judges to pan a patriotic song. (Watch here.)

Well, I'm not going to let that stop me. Because I thought she —

[THIS SECTION OF "IDOL CHATTER" HAS BEEN REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT.]

— my eardrums bleed red, white and blue. But that's just me. Sorry to go on a rant there.

"Great song choice, I love that song," Randy says.

Really?

"Other than some little pitchy spots in the middle, I thought it was a very nice performance from you."

"A very poignant and respectful song. It was a ... very good choice for you," Paula says. "For me, I've seen better performances from you, but your voice is sounding much stronger. ... You're growing."

"Kristy. Your best performance by a mile," Simon says. "That was the most clever song choice I've heard in years. ... A brilliant song, and I thought it overall was a brilliant performance, and that's going to keep you in the competition."

Wow. Rare praise for Kristy Lee. I think she might survive this week by more than the skin of her teeth.

DAVID COOK
He was born Dec. 20, 1982. "I just thought I had a massive skull," he says. "I look like one of those super villains from Marvel Comics or something." Some things never change, my friend.

He sings Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean." And I have just one response:

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn! DAMN!

I'll say one thing about David Cook, the guy's not just a talented singer, but a whiz at either arranging songs himself or finding arrangements that tweak the original and adapting them to fit his voice. And I never thought he'd top his previous work, but this is an absolutely superb version of this song. (Watch here.)

I compared him two weeks ago to Chris Cornell of Soundgarden and Audioslave fame, and I'll go there again this week. Cornell covered "Billie Jean" on his last solo record in 2006. The arrangement is almost identical (listen here).

So the arrangement wasn't Cook's idea. But Chris Cornell has been a star nearly as long as David Archuleta's been alive, and his version pales in comparison to the way David Cook just sang the same song with the same arrangement. And to best a singer with the formidable talent of Chris Cornell — who's got a range that scrapes the sky — is a feat indeed.

Many a blog will probably point an accusing finger at Cook, saying he ripped off Cornell's work. I say, hey, a cover's a cover — it's ripping off somebody's work if you sing it straight, too. But David found an arrangement that worked for him and pulled it off without a hitch. And there's definitely something to be said for that.

"I gotta say, I think you're probably the most original, the most bold contestant we've ever had," Randy says. "Dude, you might the one to win the whole lock."

"I'm blown away," Paula says. "I can't sit down. I've gotta tell ya how smart you are, how brave you are and how willing you are to stretch the boundaries. ... I think you're brilliant."

"David, that was brave," Simon says. "It could have either been insane or amazing, and I've got to tell you, it was amazing."

I'm very, very curious to see how this gets played in the blogosphere. What say you, gentle readers?

FEARLESS PICKS:
This week set conventional wisdom on its ear. Strong performances by Ramiele and Kristy Lee mean they might be safe.

Syesha, Michael and David Cook were on fire.

Carly was panned by the judges, but I think she was robbed.

Brooke was meh.

Li'l David wasn't at the top of his game, but he has too much support to drop to the bottom three anytime soon.

The worst songs of the night came from Jason and Chikezie.

I think Syesha's probably not long for this competition. But based on past performances and this one, I think it's probably Chikezie who'll get the boot.

How quickly fate turns, eh?

I think it'll be another rough week for Carly, too. That spanking by the judges might mean a return trip to the bottom three. And it's possible that she'll be sent home. Unlikely, maybe, but it's the kind of late March shocker we need to shake those allergens out of our systems.

*sniffle*

» COMING UP: It's an hour-long results show tonight. I'll have a recap tomorrow morning at readexpress.com/idol.

Between then and now, what did you think about Kristy Lee? About Carly? About "Billie Jean"? Give me your two cents below in the comments section.

Photos courtesy Fox

Posted By Greg Barber at 2:00 AM on March 26, 2008 Tagged in Arts & Events , Idol Chatter , Television , Top Columns

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