Idol Chatter: Parton the Interruption

Express' Greg Barber digs his spurs into Tuesday's episode of "American Idol."

IT'S DOLLY PARTON WEEK, and I'm happier'n a pig in slop. It means the contestants, thus far left mostly to their own devices to interpret the songs of superstars, will get the expert assistance of a gal who's won seven Grammy awards. And rather than scraping the sky with overblown pop hits, as many did during the non-Beatles shows earlier this season, they'll have to wrap their vocal chords around more low-key, homespun songs like Parton's.

To coin a phrase, yee haw.

APRIL FOOLISHNESS
You knew the show had to start this way, didn't you?

"We've just been informed that due to industrial action by the league of American Vocal Coaches, tonight's episode has been pre-empted," Seacrest tells us while standing on a darkened stage. "In its place, we're showing a special celebrity edition of 'The Moment of Truth,' starring our very own Simon Cowell."

Hi-larious. Right about 8 p.m. on April 1 is when people are dying for another April Fools Day joke. Haven't seen enough of those! No siree!

Hell, I wouldn't mind seeing the Simon edition of "Moment of Truth." Bet we'd learn some very eeeeeeeenteresting things.

HELLO, DOLLY
I knew that Dolly Parton was a musical force of nature, but dang did that girl crank out some songs. More than 3,000 of 'em, according to "Idol," 110 of which became singles and 25 of which reached the top of the charts. And she's sold 100 million albums worldwide over the past 40 years.

I respect Dolly's talent and her clear mark on the history of country music, and music in America in general. In fact, I really like many of her songs. And she's always struck me as a classy lady.

But I must say this: Her plastic surgeon must be a very wealthy so-and-so. Her face doesn't look like its aged a bit since "Steel Magnolias," only grown more plasticine.

It's not bad plastic surgery. Her lips are a bit too big, but she hasn't reached Meg Ryan or Courtney Love levels. And her famous, um, attributes are still hoisted as high as they were in the "9 to 5" days — amazing since that movie was released 28 years ago.

Show of hands: How many of you reading this remember 1980? Yeah, I thought so.

Nonetheless, Dolly's sassy and brassy and a superstar through and through. She tells the Idolites that she wrote the song "9 to 5" on the set of the movie by scraping her acrylic nails together to keep the beat, which gave her the idea to put the sound of a typewriter in the song. She starts singing. They sing along. Then, she abruptly stops the song, just cuz, laughing like the crazy old loon she is.

That, kids, is star power.

BROOKE WHITE
Ah, this could be the moment Brooke has been waiting for. "Jolene" is one of Dolly's better-known songs, and, in my opinion, one of her best. Although Brooke's alley isn't always my favorite destination, this song is definitely up it.

(I can't imagine having to sing it in front of Dolly Parton, though. Dude.)

"There's an honesty about Brooke that I really like," Dolly says. "There is a warmth about the music in country, where you sing about real life, real people. I think she felt it from an honest place."

And you know what? She did a pretty good job with it. She sings a straightforward version of the song, but I can't imagine Brooke being able to pull off anything but. Her voice was well-modulated, the addition of a violin — pardon me, fiddle — was smart and the arrangement overall was appropriately spare. (Watch here.) Not a knockout punch, but a fine, strong performance.

"I definitely think that this kind of music definitely could suit your voice. You could make an album like this," Randy says. "I don't know if that was a stellar performance for me. ... But it was all right."

"Thank you, Randy," Brooke says, annoyingly. This call-and-response thing Brooke does when it's time for the judges to talk really is not all right.

Now, let's play a game. First, read Paula's "critique" of Brooke:

Brooke, what's great about you is that you're consistent. You are who you are, you put your heart and your soul into — and can't help but — you have an emotional connection with each song that you pick. I think that that's what record companies and executives want. You [pause] are [pause] Brooke White, excellent and wonderful and beautiful.

OK. Did you notice a mention of how well she sang this particular song in there at all? No? Me neither.

And then, to further waste our time, there's this exchange:

» BROOKE: Your hair looks great, Paula. Your hair looks great.
» PAULA: So does your hair look great.

Enthralling. Although I do think Paula looks really nice. I'm not sure which luau she's just back from, but it must have been festive.

But back to the show.

"I think what was lacking on that song was any emotion," Simon says. "I thought all of you looked very odd together as a group. ... It wasn't one of your best performances."

He also insults the violin player, which seems a little unnecessary. But that's our Simon.

DAVID COOK
A chat in the Coke Corner gives David a chance to (possibly) silence some of his critics. A band out of Seattle called Doxology — the members of which, oddly, happen to be friends with Season 6 runner-up Blake Lewis — released a statement last month calling on Cook and "Idol" to cop to the fact that they originally concocted the arrangement for his version of The Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby." Neither Cook nor "Idol" have commented on it.

Till tonight.

Seacrest asks about his performances, specifically how he comes up with the arrangements.

"I'm actually really fortunate. Throughout this whole process, I've tried to find arrangements that fit me, and in most cases, I've been able to find them online. Like with 'Eleanor Rigby,' I found this Doxology version and a Neil Zaza version and kind of put them together [aha!], then Whitesnake with 'Day Tripper' and Chris Cornell with 'Billie Jean.'"

But the version of "Little Sparrow" he performs on this episode, he says, is an arrangement of his own.

And what a job he does. Dolly's version of "Little Sparrow" is a spare, delicate, twig-like number, almost as fragile in its sound as the bird it describes. David builds the song out into a more lush wall of sound, but the grittiness and soulfulness in his voice infuses the song with a complementary, but different kind of fragility. It's a total re-imagining of the song, but a successful one. (Watch here.) Although that high note he tries to reach is juuuuust a bit out of his grasp.

Randy's a fan. "You're a rocker, but you've been showing that you've got this unbelievable range," he says. "You made your own arrangement, which is very cool, and once again another hot, consistent performance."

"I've never heard a guy do that song," Paula says. "It was fantastic. ... It shows how well-rounded you are as an artist."

"I'm not going to say it was as good as last week, because it wasn't," Simon says. "But if you can make a song about sparrows good, which, actually you did, congratulations."

But the song's not. Actually. About. Ah, forget it.

It's just like his panning of Carly when she sang The Beatles' "Blackbird." Note to future contestants: Songs about fowl foul Simon's mood.

RAMIELE MALUBAY
"Finally, someone my size!" Dolly exclaims when Ramiele enters the room. She and Dolly sing together for a bit, and it's the best Ramiele has ever sounded. Mostly because of Dolly.

"She's got the spunk, she's got the personality," Dolly says.

And for the first time in weeks, she shows both of them on stage.

She sings "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind" with moxie and enthusiasm, although I worry that she's fixin' to bust a hip at the beginning of the song as she thrashes her midsection to and fro. (Watch here.) After that though, and except for a section in the middle of the song when her mind seems to wander, her vocals are peppy and bright. It's the best she's performed in quite some time.

"I wasn't jumpin' up and down, but I wasn't mad at you either," Randy says. "You showed some signs of strength, right there, and conviction. I thought it was a pretty good performance, I'd say six-and-a-half out of 10." The boos commence. "That's pretty good!" Randy retorts.

In most schools, though, a 65 is a D. In Fairfax County, where this writer learned the three Rs, a 65 is just barely not an F. Is that pretty good?

Paula disagrees. "Ramiele, I'm very proud of you," she says. "I think you had a really great minute and thirty seconds, and you really connected with the audience and you were having fun."

"Look, we're not going to remember this in 10 years' time, are we?" Simon asks. Probably not, but will we remember anything from "American Idol" in 10 years? I'd be lucky to remember the apartment I'm sitting in in 10 years.

"It was cute, you sang it quite well," he says. "Overall I thought it was forgettable, and I thought it was very reminiscent of something you would see and hear on a cruise ship."

See, this is the first performance of hers in forever that I didn't think that about. But I guess that's just an o-PIN-yon.

JASON CASTRO
He sings "Travelin' Through," which Dolly hails as a performance that takes him out of his usual comfort zone.

And indeed it does. He seems less, how shall I say, out in the ether tonight, more connected to the song, and where his voice usually seems to betray a lack of real feeling, this song seems to coax emotion out of him. (Watch here.) Singing a tune with religious overtones can't hurt in wooing voters, either, although it's a bit strange to hear a selection like that on a program as secular as "Idol." It's a rousing performance; a far cry from last week's.

"I thought it started a little rough for me ... by the middle of the song, I thought you picked it up," Randy says. "I started believing you, man. It was pretty good."

"To me, this was one of your strongest performances," Paula says. "You seemed so comfortable, you let go. Your voice sounded so strong and rich and you were confident. It was great. I loved it."

I actually ... agree ... with ... Paula ... (wow) on the comfort thing. He really did seem to pour himself into that song. Letting his inhibitions down, it would seem, really helped a lot.

"This is the point where I lose my season pass to Dollywood," Simon says. "I didn't like that at all. It sounded, actually, like the same song from before. I didn't think you sang it particularly well, I don't think this type of music suits you particularly well. If this had been the first time I'd seen you or heard you, I wouldn't get it."

Totally disagree. I'm no Jason fan, but I think he did all right with this song. And telling him the music doesn't suit him well as a criticism? He had to sing a Dolly Parton song! I don't think that, of the choices he had, this was a particularly bad one.

Simon's just getting mean now. Or is that his alter ego, Captain Bitchypants?

CARLY SMITHSON
She sings "Here You Come Again, a song performed by Dolly, but written by Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil. Dolly thought Carly "killed it" — in a good way — in rehearsals, but I'm not so sure her performance on stage is all that good.

Her voice is as crisp as ever, but the intensity of her singing seems to far outweigh the intended heft of the song. And her diva-ish instincts reach their zenith as she powers through the second-to-last note, then delivers a puckered close. (Watch here.)

It's all too showy. I think a softer touch (and less spitting into the mic) would have fit the song far better.

"I do believe that that will probably be one of the better performances of the night. Nice job," Randy says.

"Carly, that was glorious. You are such an amazing talent," Paula gushes. "You are beautiful. That voice of yours! Oh my GOD!"

"I thought it was good, I didn't think it was great," Simon says. "I also think, Carly, that you've got to have a word with who's dressing you at the moment. I think at this stage, without being rude, you've got to start looking like a star. And I'm not seeing that progression at the moment."

Without being rude? And the "Idol" cameras panning up her body after that comment? Totally below the belt. The S.S. Rude has sailed. See that smoke off in the horizon? That's it.

Captain Bitchypants is totally in the house.

"By the way, some people would say the same thing to you about your wardrobe," Seacrest spits, sounding genuinely peeved.

"What's the issue tonight? What's the problem? You don't like country music?" Seacrest asks.

Simon appears chastened.

"I'm — I'm — I'm just saying what I think other people at home are thinking. If the people who tune in expect fantastic performances, I'm not going to lie if I don't think they're great. ... I just don't think that was a blow-you-out-of-your-seats performance, that was all."

What an ass.

I know his job is to be critical and all — and, yes, I know that bloggers like myself rip on the contestants' appearances all the time. And Simon's. And Paula's. And Randy's. But I'm not speaking to an audience of millions on national television while I'm saying it. I'm blogging. In the safety of my apartment. Where Carly's face-tattoo-sporting husband can't find me. And hurt me.

I mean, dude has tattoos on his face — that's one heck of a commitment to the art of ink on skin. I just wouldn't mess with the guy on principle. He clearly does not fear pain.

Simon had better steer clear of him. And Dolly. After that display, she'd pop a boot right into his tea and crumpets.

DAVID ARCHULETA
Dolly loves her some Li'l David. When he sings "Smoky Mountain Memories" for her in auditions, she melts. "I could feel that he was so into it, and that his li'l emotion [ha!] was feeling exactly what I had written in the song," she says.

"It's all that I can do to keep from crying, and I'm trying to keep these false eyelashes in place," she tells him.

I love her.

And she gushes about Li'l David's talent: "I really think he has the voice to really become a great, great singer." High praise from a music legend. Can't beat that.

And it'd be hard to top Li'l David's show on stage, either. Now freed from The Beatles and a week removed from his obscure birth-year pick, he chose a song that he could envelop in real emotion. And it works. (Watch here.)

The arrangement is sparse enough and the backing music quiet enough to let his formidable vocal chords do the heavy lifting (although he fuzzes out on a note in the beginning of the song). And he delivers a warm, inviting, resonant performance that leaves the listener feeling better for having heard it. Well, this one at least.

"Guess what, baby?" Randy asks. "David Archuleta is back tonight, and I stand corrected, that was the best performance of the night right there."

"You have a beautiful aura about you," Paula says. "You're just glorious."

"I had issues with your choice of song last week," Simon says. "This week, absolutely on the money."

The fangirlies scream so loud — "I love you," a chorus screeches — that even the stentorian voice of Seacrest is drowned out as he tries to give out the 866 numbers. Li'l David will be a tough, tough man to beat. But did I spy during the judges' critique a "David Cook Rocks" sign? Could the Davids be the Clinton and Obama of "American Idol"?

KRISTY LEE COOK
This should be Kristy Lee's week, although she's probably as surprised as anybody that she's still on the show to see it. She doesn't seem to enjoy rehearsals very much, though — she looks like she's either awestruck or chilly towards Dolly. I'm not sure which.

She sings "Coat of Many Colors." And she tries way, waaaaaaaaaay too hard.

It sounds beauty-pageantish. I cringe first when I see that she's sitting on the stage. And a second time when she ends the line "Sowin' every piece with love" with a word that sounded more like "luave." And a third time when she gives a Kathie Lee Gifford-esque staccatoness to the word "patches" in a verse. In almost every way possible, she significantly boosts the twang factor on an already twangy song. (Watch here.)

I normally wouldn't expect much from Kristy Lee, but you just don't get more firmly in her wheelhouse than Dolly Parton. Could this be the week when she goes home?

"Country music is definitely your wheelhouse and I think you gave a very nice performance," Randy says.

"You look stunning tonight," Paula says. "You just gave a beautiful performance. I think this is your best performance, I do."

Huh?

"I totally disagree," Simon says. "I thought this was pleasant, but forgettable."

The judges are so much easier to quote when the producers tell them to keep it short.

Vanna White is in the audience, by the way. And just like on her own show, she's given little chance to speak.

SYESHA MERCADO
OK. I wrote a whole piece earlier this week about how I hoped none of the contestants would touch the third rail that is "I Will Always Love You." The song was written by Dolly and first released in 1974, but it's the Whitney Houston version from 20 years later that people most remember.

Nobody will perform it as well as Whitney did. Nobody should try. But Syesha's going to give it a whirl anyway.

Dolly thought during rehearsals that Syesha deftly combined the original understated version of the song with the bombast of Whitney's remake. Her live performance, however, sounds like overreaching to the highest degree I've seen thus far this season.

The first part of the song leans toward Dolly's version, and that isn't bad. But then Syesha swings into a full-on Whitney impression, and falls far, far short of the mark. (Watch here.)

If you're going to pick a song that's been so unfathomably well-received when performed by another artist, you've got to put your own spin on it that sets you apart from that artist. David Cook did that. David Archuleta did that. Syesha doesn't — she just parrots two well-known versions of the song, both of which sound better than what she sang. This could be the performance that finally sinks her.

"You took on the biggest tiger of the night, and I think you did pretty good," Randy says. "It's still hard for me to hear anybody else sing that song. But it was all right."

"When you're in that — it's like a velvety tone to your voice, that's it for you," Paula says. "I just think you're growin' and growin' and growin' and you're connecting with the audience so much more and I love it. I love it."

"You forget what a brilliant songwriter Dolly Parton is, because this is one of the best pop songs ever written," Simon says. "I almost wish you hadn't gotten it in a strange way. Because the first part was good, the second part ... unfortunately paled in comparison to the Whitney version. ... It was a good, it wasn't a fantastic version of the song."

MICHAEL JOHNS
Dolly on Michael: "I could probably write some good songs for him, so I hope he does become a star."

It might be one of her songs that helps catapult him to stardom. Because by singing a Dolly Parton tune, Michael Johns has found his voice.

I'm not sure whether the return to Queen last week when he sang "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions" had anything to do with it, but a skyrocketing confidence level helps him turn in a dynamic, soulful performance

He sings "It's All Wrong, But It's All Right," and absolutely nails it. It's sultry. It's sonorous. And it's finally, finally a fitting use for the innate power of his voice. (Watch here.)

"You keep on bringing it up every week a notch, dude," disjointedly Randy says he does. "That was a blazing hot performance. Nice job."

Paula's rushed, so she stumbles all over herself. "You're a star, a rock star, a blues star," she says.

"I have to say something to you," Simon says. "I think this is the best I've heard you sing."

I'd second that. He's put on a dynamite show.

FEARLESS PICKS
I'd never have believed it, but many of the candidates really turned in some stellar performances. Li'l David Archuleta was back in top form. David Cook was solid as usual. Michael Johns was electric. Brooke White, Ramiele Malubay and Jason Castro showed some strength and improvement.

Syesha's performance was uneven and disappointing. Carly's was uninspired. And I didn't like Kristy's at all.

By rights, I think Kristy should be the one going home. But I'm going to bet it'll be Syesha. I don't think she won over enough voters with this performance, and the folks in Kristy's camp probably liked what she whipped up better than I did. Carly might also have a bad night, but I don't think this will be the end of the road for her.

» COMING UP: The results show's tonight, and I'll have another recap Wednesday morning at readexpress.com/idol.

Between then and now, let's holler at each other, y'all. Did Michael Johns impress you like he did me? What did you think of Carly? Of Simon's berating of Carly? Of Seacrest's bullying of Simon? Leave your thoughts below in the comments section

Photos courtesy Fox

Posted By Greg Barber at 8:11 AM on April 2, 2008 Tagged in Arts & Events , Idol Chatter , Television , Top Columns

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