Monday Breakfast Bender

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Welcome to May 12th! On this date 5 years ago, 59 Democratic lawmakers brought the Texas legislature to a standstill by going into hiding after a Republican congressional gerrymandering plan, according to Wikipedia.

Future News Prediction: In order to raise money for his legal defense, Josef Fritzl files a copyright infringement suit against Wes Craven for his "unauthorized adaption" of Fritzl's life: "The People Under The Stairs."

Here is your Monday Top 5:

5) Size Matters
Inflating the oft-maligned grade, "F", Sheyla Hershey of Houston has, through a series of implants, developed the world's largest breasts (an astounding cup size FFF). The 28-year-old mother, who now boasts a whopping two quarts of silicone per breast, has undergone eight surgeries in order to rack up a win in Brazil's version of The Guinness Book of World Records. "Everybody's got a dream inside, you know?" Hershey was quoted as saying. "And, it's good when you can make your dream come true." But like all great champions, Hershey isn't resting on her mammaries, despite doctor warnings about scar tissue and back pain. She now wants to grow her assets to an even greater level. And although Texas law reportedly draws the line at "1,000 cubic centimeters of silicone in each breast," who's to say how far this dedicated housewife will go to stretch the bounds of brassieres and social convention in pursuit of her goals?

4) Money Marinade
Get-rich-quick schemes come a dime a dozen, but they seldom involve gravy. Except perhaps in Norway, where a Vietnamese national reportedly lost $35,000 after he was told to mix the cash with a "special liquid" that would double its value. He was allegedly duped by a 32-year-old Frenchman, who told him to leave the loot in a fake bill slurry. He returned to find both his money and the perpetrator missing. The suspect's lawyer was quoted as saying that his client was "extremely surprised to be charged with something that is so incredible. This sounds completely crazy."

3) Paging the Darwin Awards
An Iowa man was reportedly hit by a train as he attempted to lay a dime on the tracks. Robert Wrisberg, 47, of Davenport was knocked unconscious when a ladder on a rail car near the end of the train hit his head. Wrisberg's nephew, Kyle Ostrander, who said the two were "drinking" and "just messing around," telephoned 911. TV station WQAD quoted Ostrander as describing the duo's coin-flattening strategy this way: "Just wait, right after wheel goes over stick it on there flattens it and grab it real quick, it looks cool. Coin looks cool when it flattens out [sic]."

2) Russian School Rave
A batch of Russian students reportedly "stripped off, climbed walls or lay on the floor laughing after their school dinners were spiked with drugs." Teachers say that the students, aged 13 to 15, turned their school in the eastern city of Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk, into "a lunatic asylum" after consuming a lunch laced with Ecstasy. Experts investigating the meals say that water in the soup students ate most likely contained traces of opiates and amphetamines. No word on whether glow sticks and pacifiers were incorporated.

1) DIY Doc
Let's face it, health-care these days ain't cheap — but thank goodness for American ingenuity! Take, for example, Steve Wilder of Omaha, Nebraska, who has performed not one, but two tracheotomies on himself with a steak knife. The 55-year-old homeschooled surgeon says "I didn't feel no pain. I was just trying to survive," in a reportedly high-pitched, gravelly voice. Wilder, a cancer survivor, had felt that he was suffocating, and rather than waiting for an ambulance, cut a quarter-inch incision into his own throat. "I knew that would chop it open pretty good," he was quoted as saying, adding "I told [my doctor] we should split the bill." Wilder apparently performed a similar operation on himself in 2006 "under similar circumstances."

And for dessert, here is your Moment of Schadenfreude: