Vito Fossella and America's Sex Scandal Sweet Tooth

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A feeding frenzy erupted yesterday on the news that Congressman Vito Fossella would "retire" but not "resign" from office. The Staten Island Republican called his departure the result of "personal mistakes." But everyone with a TV and a pulse knows the move was likely the result of him getting busted for driving drunk and calling the mistress with whom he'd fathered a child to come bail him out.

Liberal blogs licked their chops, satirists sharpened their knifes and tabloids served the two tastiest headline garnishes: "sex" and "scandal." But after a period of binging on such an irresistible, albeit empty, story, one cannot help but pick one's head up, look around at the real news out there and feel a little queasy.

If news were the FDA food pyramid, high-profile sex scandals would be the fats and sugars -- the foods we should consume sparingly. Serious news will always be the healthy stuff, but what most Americans want, crave and over-indulge on are the saucy treats. We know we shouldn't, we know we'll feel guilty later, yet somehow they're just too good to ignore.

The creme de la creme are those unexpected scandals wrapped around crusty advocates of morality, full of the richest ingredient of all -- hypocrisy. Sure, celebrities give us a brownie made of Lohan or a cone of Britney on a regular basis. But the real pastry chefs of scandal are the political and religious leaders who toil in secret, often for years, before someone can grab a scoop. And it is on them that we can gorge and never be full.

So with your appetites primed, I'm proud to present my personal dessert tray of delectably twisted, impossible-to-resist sex scandals of the past year or so. When you're done, please let me know which is your favorite in the ballot box below. And if you have your own offerings, by all means share.

The Spitzer Split: In one of the most recent scandals on the list, New York's straight-arrow governor shocked friends, colleagues and presumably his family with the acknowledgment that he had "acted in a way that violated... any, sense of right and wrong." The 48-year-old Democrat once dubbed "Mr. Clean" was reportedly identified on a wiretap as an anonymous client arranging to pay money and buy train tickets for a high-priced New York prostitute to meet him at a downtown Washington hotel. Best of all, the infamous client number 9 had himself used wiretaps to break up prostitution rings during his time as New York's attorney general.

Outcome: After a few days of nervous cogitating, Spitzer resigned from office and was replaced by the apparently saintly and legally blind Lt. Gov. David Paterson, who wisely held a preemptive press conference to admit his own marital infidelity.

Instant Message Flambé: It's hard to believe that it's been more than a year since Rep. Mark Foley resigned from office amid allegations that he had sent sexually suggestive emails and instant messages to a congressional aide under the now-infamous screen name Maf54. As the scandal broke just before the mid-term congressional elections, other pages began telling their stories, and suddenly the Republican Party came under fire. The longtime crusader against child abuse and exploitation disappeared with a one-sentence letter of resignation.

Outcome: The Republican Party lost control of both the House and Senate, though not necessarily because of him, and America entered the age of the super scandal. Foley checked himself into rehab for alcohol abuse and sexual addiction. He also stated that he had been sexually abused by a priest in his youth.

Ambassador's S&M Trifle: Back in March 2007, Tsuriel Raphael, Israel's ambassador to El Salvador, caused quite a stir after local police found him in the embassy yard "naked, bound and drunk." According to reports, a number of sexual toys and devices surrounded the envoy, who informed police of his identity after they removed a ball-gag from his mouth. Apparently, "diplomatic immunity" wasn't his safe word.

Outcome: The highly respected diplomat was removed from his post.

Evangelical Upside Down Cake: Talk about a tumble. Ted Haggard, the evangelical minister known as Pastor Ted, became a walking punchline after allegations surfaced that he had been having an extramarital affair with a male prostitute. And that male prostitute outed him because he discovered that Haggard preached so vehemently against homosexuality. His hypocrisy was confounded with the release of Alexandra Pelosi's documentary, "Friends of God," which included an interview with Haggard expounding the awesomeness of evangelical sex. At first, the founder of the New Life Church in Colorado and leader of the National Association of Evangelicals denied knowing his accuser, but he was forced to resign when investigations showed otherwise. He later admitted to buying methamphetamine and acting in a "sexual immoral" way.

Outcome:Following the feeding frenzy, Haggard entered an intensive three-week de-gayifying program. Upon graduation, he was declared "completely heterosexual" and is now pursuing a career in psychology.

Colorful Smear Parfait: Just weeks before the 2006 election, photographs of West Virginia state senator Randy White posing with at least two other men in nothing but body paint appeared on a local news program. At the time, the 51-year-old married father of three was reportedly "shocked" and "horribly embarrassed" at seeing himself on the evening news. In a statement, he claimed to be working hard to overcome a "personal identification situation" and "praying to God to help [his] family and [himself] through this tragic and troubling episode."

Outcome: His prayers were apparently answered, as White scored an improbable election victory and continues representing Webster, Nicholas, Clay and Fayette counties to this day.

Still the Flavor of the Month: For comedians and lowly bloggers, Aug. 27 was like a Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa all rolled into a delectable late-summer Twinkie. That was the day Roll Call revealed that Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, a Republican, had been arrested for lewd conduct in the men's bathroom at Minneapolis International Airport. Since then, we've all learned more than we would ever have expected or needed to know about restroom flirting gestures, wide stances and human repression.

Outcome: Despite his time as a national punchline, Craig will be inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame on Oct. 16.

The Wilbur Dip Whip (Honorable Mention): Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, and one time Presidential candidate Wilbur Mills is probably best remembered for his fiery tryst with stripper Fanne Foxe, and its drenching conclusion. At around 2 a.m. on Oct. 7, 1974, the couple was pulled over for driving without headlights near the Capitol. Both were intoxicated but Foxe forever cemented them in the annals of weird history when she attempted to flee the scene by jumping into the Tidal Basin.

Outcome: Neither suffered too badly. Although Mills had to resign his chairmanship, he went on to be reelected in 1974. Foxe continued her stripping career, though she changed her stage name from "The Argentine Firecracker" to "The Tidal Basin Bombshell."

Photos by Melina Mara/The Washington Post, Timothy A. Clary/AFP/Getty Images, Joe Raedle/Getty Images, Mark Finkenstaedt/The Washington Post/HBO, Timothy A. Clary/AFP/Getty Images, Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images