Baggage Check: Romancing the Boss

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GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I've developed a serious attraction to my direct supervisor, whom I work with extensively throughout the day. I've even contemplated leaving this comfortable job because it's like emotional torture having something right there that you can't have (it could never work: professional hierarchy, our age difference, office policy, etc.). However, I also wonder if I'm just over-emotional ever since my rough breakup from my ex of three years (he has a new special someone). Should I speak up to my boss or continue to suppress my feelings?
— Emotionally Confused Employee

You don't say how long it's been since you broke up with your ex, but certainly that stressful upheaval could be heightening your feelings for Boss Man.

Nonetheless, you're having difficulty functioning, at least at work. Do a reality check about your "comfortable" job: Are there reasons to stay or go, besides the eye-candy? Being stuck in this situation could keep you from moving forward, professionally and personally.

As for speaking up, I can't imagine that could do much good -- especially if realistically it couldn't work. The romantic in me (that's her with the feather boa) says, of course, wax poetic, and someday you'll be able to tell your grandkids the story, but the psychologist says it sounds like you are young enough to be his grandkid, and the power dynamic could create professional, ethical and even legal problems (not so romantic). Give yourself a little more time to see if you can shake this -- but be prepared to walk away if you can't.

I've been married two years, and until recently was happier than ever before. But a friend I once had a devastating crush on moved back to town after being out of touch for 10 years. Now I can't stop thinking about her, and it's killing me. I love my wife, but if there's one person I've known in my life who I might have married instead, it would be this friend. We have more in common, more compatible world views and there's always been an intense mutual attraction. We've had a history of bad timing, but always thought we'd be great together. (She's single now.) I'm not the cheating type, but I'm finding myself unable to feel as close or attracted to my wife as I had been.
— Miserable!

You were feeling happier than ever before with your wife, and then, a person who had a "devastating" effect on you re-emerged. First, let's all just take a deep breath (and let me get my popcorn.)

The good news: It seems likely that when the novelty and surprise of this situation wears off, your feelings will cool down. Perhaps these sparks are just a shock to your system. The bad news: In the meantime, this can create (at best) some distance between you and your wife, and (at worst) the temptation for you to make a huge mistake.

Refocus on your wife, summon all the powers of the newlywed mojo and remind yourself of all the reasons you love her. Honestly, the belief that this other woman could possibly be a better match for you could be toxic to your marriage, so you've got to work at convincing yourself otherwise. Start by reminding yourself that a) you never even dated, and b) it's been a decade! But if you fight too hard, you may only make the forbidden fruit more appealing. It could help to do some emotional digging to figure out why this unknown quantity has such a hold on you -- there might be something deeper going on.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Eric Reece