Baggage Check: White Lies Add Up To a Big Deal

| Print Post This | Like (0) | Comments (0)

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I'm pretty sure that my boyfriend of three months is lying about some things. They're not deal-breakers, but I don't know why he lies about them. The first was about where his brother worked. My friend's boyfriend works at the same place, so when I pressed for more details, my boyfriend clammed up and I later found out from my friend there's no such person there. The other big one was about his playing a certain sport for his college. I can find no record of that online. I like him a lot, but if I can't trust him about the little things, how will I ever trust him about the big things?
— Unsure

In short, you're right — you can't. Trust generally isn't a la carte.

But your relationship is new, and nerves can be a factor — perhaps he painted himself into a conversational corner. Without knowing how these tales came out, it's difficult for me to say what degree of concern you should have. Is there the possibility that his brother used to work at said place, or works at a different site or happens to be in the Witness Protection Program? Might it be that his ping-pong or touchdown prowess was seen only in the halls of his frat but still got accolades?

Regardless, it's a form of dishonesty. So, level with him. Bring up the starkest example of a discrepancy between what he's said and what you've seen (but don't make it look like you hired a private investigator). Say you're just trying to figure things out because you feel like you've misunderstood him. Then give him a chance to explain. But if a month from now he's waxing poetic about shooting hoops with President Obama, then you'll know that things don't look good.

I am so curious to hear a psychologist's perspective on "The Secret" — the idea that, based on the Law of Attraction, if you visualize the positive, you can attract it to happen. My friend swears by it.
— Curious

You're not a plant, are you? Someone who was told to inquire about this to get smoke to come out of my ears?

Optimism is great. Visualizing a satisfying future is motivating. But it's all based on the psychological and physical activity generated by, and for, the individual — not the cosmos. Setting goals, planning ways to reach them and then acting on those goals are what make things happen. Yes, staying positive can improve your mood and immune system, and perhaps set off a chain reaction that appears a bit beyond conscious control. But thoughts alone can't fill your room with gold bullion (or that cutie from the accounting department).

Besides, the only Law of Attraction I know that's actually real is the one involving lone black socks and the netherworld of my dryer.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.