FIT

Baggage Check: Minor Tiffs or Doomsday?

Baggage Check
My boyfriend and I have always been prone to arguing, but it's usually over stupid stuff and resolves easily. But last night we had an argument that got very, very ugly. He said stuff about things I'm insecure about, and I feel like he broke our trust. He barely apologized. How can I get over this hurt and have things back how they were?
—Hurt, DC

I'm always a little disturbed when people hold up frequent arguments over "stupid stuff" as some sort of badge of honor. ("Well, at least we don't spend our time disagreeing over what really matters — we're proud to constantly get angry over stuff that doesn't!")

But I do hear your concern — usually you resolve things quickly and without pain, and yet this time, things ran amok. I would argue (sorry!) that there's an undercurrent of hostility here, where the everyday disagreements are actually connected to this big doozy of one. And his response — both refusing to rectify the situation, and invalidating your hurt feelings — is worse than the original problem.

You need to have a more serious talk with him about boundaries, sensitivity, empathy and respect. You can get over this hurt if and only if he can convince you that he doesn't harbor the venom his comments suggest.

I'm worried that the "stupid" conflicts are indicative of more serious friction. There's a reason those words came out of his mouth — it could spell doom, or it could just be a bump in the road — so you've got to get to the bottom of it.

One of my dearest friends just sent me an e-mail letting me know our friendship is kaput. Things were going well until I asked about a former friend (now frenemy) of mine that she's now close with. Is there any way that our relationship could be repaired?
—Concerned

I've never been the recipient of an "Our Friendship is Kaput" letter, so it's hard for me to imagine exactly what she said. But it's her words that you have to go by, and they will determine whether there's hope of saving this friendship — and whether you should even want to.

The first issue: How is this other person so successful in becoming the friendship equivalent of "the other woman?"

If she's able to enter your relationship and cause such severe problems now, won't she always? Are you sure she has to be Public Frenemy No. 1, or might there be a reconciliation?

As for the other friend, you can ask gently for more clarification, or apologize if you have something to be sorry for. But don't go begging, unless you want the friendship to start back up with the renewed power dynamic of you on a leash.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Ben Classen for Express

ALSO IN FIT
COMMENTS (1)

  • This comment is for Hurt DC. Constant bickering is not good, but when a man crosses the line into the realm of verbal assult, it's time to cut your losses and move on. Once that line has been crossed, it will be again and again if you stck around to let it happen. It is related to actual physical assult inthat once the line is crossed, no matter how many apologies fly out afterward, the act has been done and will most likely be done again. And will probably escalate the next time. A viscious verbal assult by a man on a woman is a symptom of some deep seated resentment and getting to the bottom of it is not going to make that go away. He needs anger management therapy and you need to heal yourself by picking up your self-esteem and getting out of Dodge. The dude has major issues.

    By Greenchik , Posted April 22, 2009 9:25 AM
POST A COMMENT
All comments on Express' blogs will be screened for appropriateness, spam and topic relevance, so there is likely to be a delay before your comment is displayed. Thanks for your patience.
Remember personal info?
(you may use HTML tags for style)