Louse Brigade: Bradley Cooper and the Cool Jerk Hall of Fame

| Print Post This | Like (0) | Comments (0)

BOY, DOES BRADLEY COOPER have a lot to thank director Todd Philips for.

By casting Cooper in "The Hangover" — which has grossed an astonishing $403 million (yup, more than 10 times its $35 million budget) — Philips finally gave Cooper the kind of success this perpetual supporting guy has worked toward for years. After playing forgettable roles as the guy in love with Sidney Bristow who wasn't Michael Vartan on "Alias" and the plastic surgeon who wasn't Sean or Christian on "Nip/Tuck," Cooper hit it huge as the sneeringly condescending, slimily womanizing Phil in "The Hangover," a character that was the culmination of all those jerks (and fantastic dudes) that Cooper has portrayed in the past.

Yes, you read that correctly — "jerks" and "fantastic dudes" and "Cooper," all in the same sentence.

Think about it: Cooper's most memorable roles up to "The Hangover" were the ones that were similar to Phil in their level of douchiness. As the viciously competitive, collar-popping, ass-tapping Sack Lodge in "Wedding Crashers," Cooper stole every scene he was in (and gave the state of Maryland one of its most tongue-in-cheek shout-outs with "crab cakes and football!"), while in "He's Just Not That Into You," Cooper fulfilled every bad romantic-comedy stereotype by cheating on his girlfriend with a hot younger woman, lying about it, continuing to do it and having sex with one while the other hides in the closet ... because they were just about to do it.

It's confusing, but trust us, it's awful.

Yet somehow ... it's also great, if only in a Cooper "really becomes the character" way.

While watching him yell at Rachel McAdams and cheat on Jennifer Connelly onscreen, it's as if Cooper truly gives his entire id over to the bad guy and just lets the outrageousness unfold, and that kind of dedication commands respect.

So, yes, we'll be in line on Sept. 4 to see "All About Steve," Cooper's latest film.

And, yes, we'll pay homage to our five other favorite actors who have made a name for themselves acting like douches.

Hey, everyone's gotta make a living.

BILLY ZABKA
What's better, that Billy Zabka, the guy who played the leg-sweeping Johnny in "The Karate Kid," was so believable as an awful bully or that Zabka has stayed socially relevant because of it?

As Johnny, the star pupil of the Cobra Kai Dojo, Zabka tortured Ralph Macchio's character Daniel LaRusso, not just by mocking his relationship with Ali (Elisabeth Shue), Johnny's ex-girlfriend, but by beating the crap out of him just for kicks. His refusal to accept Daniel, the outsider, not only made us hate him as the prototypical popular guy but also as the image of all things bad about America in the '80s: xenophobia, southern California, bandanas.

Honestly, isn't that why none of us can take Bret Michaels seriously, because of his inability to ditch the dated head scarf?

But anyway, we digress: Zabka was the kid we all wanted to show up, and he stayed that way in other '80s flicks like "Just One of the Guys" and "Back to School" and got popular again a few years ago by starring in the music video "Sweep the Leg" for Los Angeles band No More Kings. He may have been nominated for an Academy Award along the way, but never forget: He was a Cobra first.

BILLY ZANE
Not only has Billy Zane portrayed mostly bad guys on the silver screen, he's also jerked it up in the animated world, too — but we get ahead of ourselves.

Zane is known to (and hated by) most women born before 1996 because of his role as the greedy, deceitful Caledon Hockley in "Titanic," the dude that tries to kill Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) numerous times and smacks around Rose (Kate Winslet) before they're even married.

But before Zane was despised by all those with estrogen, he was also one of Biff's brainless thugs in "Back to the Future" and the psychopathic, cunningly creepy murderer Hughie in the thriller "Dead Calm" — so we're not surprised he was able to do awful so easily in "Titanic." But Zane has pretty much made a career out of that: He plays a horrific neo-Nazi in "The Believer," probably one of the most underrated films of this decade, and voices bad guy Ansem in the English version of video game "Kingdom Hearts."

We thought "tall, dark and handsome" was always a good thing, but Zane's bad spin on it has definitely helped out his career. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

VINCE VAUGHN
Vince Vaughn is half cuddly, humongous teddy bear, half smarmy friend who would ditch you in an instant for a hot chick with no strings attached — and we wouldn't have it any other way. It's easy to forget that he was in a committed relationship with Jennifer Aniston for a while, because it's so much more fun to continuously think of him as the one-night-stand-pursuing Trent in "Swingers" or as Brad Pitt's boss who still lives with his mother in Mr. and Mrs. Smith" or as the cynically matrimony-hating Bernard in "Old School."

What's the common link? Check out Vaughn's rapid-fire delivery and casually disdainful attitude, which combine to make him a smart-ass with a heart of gold.

JAMES SPADER
Just like Zabka tortured Daniel, James Spader made people's lives a living hell in the '80s, first by picking on America's favorite teenager, Molly Ringwald, as rich jerk Steff in "Pretty in Pink" (best quote: "Money really means nothing to me. Do you think I'd treat my parents' house this way if it did?") and later by fueling California teens' drug addictions as dealer Rip in "Less Than Zero" (although the book's most important scene, which takes place in Rip's apartment and includes a tied-up 12-year-old girl, is omitted from the film adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis's novel).

And while Steven Soderbergh's "Sex, Lies and Videotape" would transform Spader's public image from that of villain to sympathetic anti-hero, his treachery — and effortlessly patronizing ease — was like a breath of nostalgic air during his years as Alan Shore on "The Practice" and "Boston Legal."

VAL KILMER
The Iceman is dangerous! Have you seen those teeth?

Written by Express contributor Roxana Hadadi

Photos courtesy Warner Bros. Pictures (Bradley Cooper), Delphi Films (Billy Zabka), Twentieth Century-Fox Film Corporation (Billy Zane), DreamWorks SKG (Vince Vaughn) and Paramount Pictures (James Spader, Val Kilmer)